Teen Grounded From Internet Hospitalized

When Robert Q. Dahlberg III grounded his son, Robert Q. Dahlberg IV, from using the internet for a week, he had no idea that he was putting Bobby IV’s life in danger. For three days, Bobby IV endured this punishment (not uncomplainingly). On the morning of the fourth day, however, he was found by his parents curled up on the floor near his bed, in a shape that psychologists who studied his case believe to be symbolic of an RJ-45 ethernet connector.

After Bobby IV’s mother and father were unable to elicit a response from their son, he was rushed to the hospital, where he has been diagnosed with a previously unknown disorder, tentatively named information-overload-underloading, theorized to be similar to delirium tremens (DTs).

One of the doctors who has studied the case, Eugene Teorico, spoke to the press yesterday, stating:

I am so excited at having been part of the discovery of this new condition. While I hope that this syndrome does not reach epidemic proportions, I fear that it will prove to be more widespread than we currently believe possible.

In the wake of this event, the Center for Disease Control (CDC) has released a report urging parents “not to risk serious harm to their children by unduly restricting their access to information technology.”

“Ethernet cable (twisted pair) broken by passing tractor, gmina Wejherowo,” by Krzysztof Maria Różański, (Upior polnocy) CC-BY-SA-3.0 via Wikimedia Commons. Altered.

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