Foodless Meals Grow in Popularity (and in Household Gardens)

While some unmentionable parts of the world are experiencing an explosion (no pun intended) of obesity, other unmentionable parts of the world (France) have continued to cut back the amount of food served on a plate, which looks fancy and slims down the population at the same time. The introduction of the novel—not a book—”Foodless Meals” (as they are called) in 2014 by internationally-known chef Monsieur Jean Claude van Flamme has revolutionised the eating industry to an extent unseen since the introduction of the guillotine at the time of La Révolution.

Now, with the new foodless meals, you have all you can eat with no mess to clean up afterwards, and you are no fatter for having sat at table. The typical foodless meal can contain a variety of non-existent meats, vegetables, and fruits, all fat-free, sugar-free, salt-free, and, well, free. There are now about 3,230,000 recipes available, most from Chef van Flamme himself,¹ the rest from his lesser followers.²

The other day I had a chance to try one of these foodless meals for a dinner party. I had 12 or 13 nonexistent guests who ate very well with me, and they all expressed delight at the table setting, the candles, the exquisite decoration, and the taste and grandeur of the whole affair. In fact, they licked their plates clean, so clean I didn’t even need to wash them afterwards. I left the table set (as you can see in the picture) so as to use it for the next foodless meal I have planned. I was happy with the way most of the meal turned out, but next time I think I’ll try a few different recipes to surprise my guests.

But alas and alack, as these things often go, there was one guest who was quite rude, slurping up his drinks and generally disturbing the ladies. He will not be invited next time.

The Society for a Fat America has expressed opposition to the new foodless meals, saying, in their most recent official statement, that “Foodless meals aren’t satisfying enough” for “the average person.” They also called them “Un-American.” I didn’t invite them (The Society for a Fat America) to my dinner party, either.

By the by, if you’d like to grow your own Foodless Meal in your household garden, it’s easy and dirt cheap. Technically, you don’t even need the dirt.

He writes really fast. ↩
These recipes are about half as good as van Flamme’s originals; some of them are more or less ripoffs—but who cares except the one making the money off of them? ↩