FLYING NEWS EMERGENCY NOTICE

Jim Jocifero
21 June 2016

TO ALL FLYING NEWS PERSONNEL, BOTH NECESSARY AND ANCILLARY (INCLUDING VIM):

This is an emergency.

All Personnel report to the front office immediately.1 Don’t Panic! Run, do not walk. Wear slip-resistant shoes. Remove all jewellery and loose clothing. Deposit jewellery with the burglar at the second floor fire escape. Proceed with caution to the third floor. Circle back and retrace steps. Deposit wallets with the aforementioned burglar. Do not go back for personal belongings, hats, pets, tax/identification papers, paper airplanes, other paper products, seconds or refills. You may go back for doughnuts. Activate fire alarm unless no one else has activated it before you. Defenestrate yourself and proceed to the front office through the main entrance. Don’t Panic. Await further instructions.

“Finnish Emergency Exit Sign,” by Santeri Viinamäki. CC BY 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons. Modified.

  1. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. ↩

More News:

Triplane image based on a public domain image by Dryke, available at http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Tripe_silhouette.PNG.A Triplet of Limericks Camouflage for the Office A strange toilet situation.Toilet Troubles Governor of Wyoming Calls for Emergency Deflation of Tires to Combat Low Air Pressure

Add a Comment Here (This Means You!):

Your email is safe and will not be published, shared, sold, bought, or used to order doughnuts. Required fields are marked *

Note that, in an effort to prevent comment spam and manipulation by computational bacteria, certain words (including a number of brand names) will prevent your comment from being submitted.

*