Professional Sports Teams To Issue Driver’s Licenses

Vim Vocifero
19 May 2016

Americans were surprised, but almost unanimously pleased, to find that President Barack Obama (PBO) had signed an Executive Order (EO) yesterday authorizing Professional Sports Teams (PSTs) to issue Driver’s Licenses (DLs).

Sandy Bulleyts, an avid Browns fan from Cleveland, OH, told Flying News reporter Ryan Rocifero about her reaction on hearing the news:

Well, you know, at first I was just stunned. It was almost as incredible as if the Browns had won the Super Bowl™ (SB). Then I went out into the street, and everybody was talking about it: people were dancing, singing—it was an amazing day, and I feel lucky to have been a part of it.

The President’s rationale, according to a White House™ insider, is that “Americans no longer feel a significant amount1 of loyalty towards their states of residence. For many, professional sports teams have become the most significant locus of felt loyalty, with respondents to a recent survey indicating that they would sacrifice their lives, fortunes, sacred honor, and first born children in order to ensure a Super Bowl™ victory for their football team.2”

“Warrior Games athletes honored at Navy-Air Force football game 141004-D-DB155-022,” by EJ Hersom (https://www.dvidshub.net/image/1598061). Public domain via Wikimedia Commons.

  1. The International Standard Unit (ISU) for felt loyalty is the Washington, and the International Loyalty Standardization Organization (ILSO) considers loyalty of less than ten microwashingtons (μW) to be non-significant. ↩
  2. Browns fans went so far as to state that a Browns SB victory would be cheap at the cost of the immediately subsequent annihilation of the universe. ↩

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