High Mineral Fortified Air For Better Nutrition


If you happen to be a typical American, you are, doubtless, vaguely aware of the FDA and FBI nutritional guidelines, but, despite this dim awareness, you probably only take in about .0397% of the RDA for every nutrient except sugar and trans-fat. You may (although you probably don’t) wonder why your nutrition is so poor, but that is a question to leave for another day. Here, I want to alert you, most excellent reader, to a possible solution to this problem: High Mineral Fortified Air, recently introduced by the Ultimate Universal Technology Corporation (UUTC).

How It Works

According to evolutionary biologists and anthropological anatomists, the “typical and natural” way for the human body to take in nourishment is through the mouth. However, in contemporary practice, modern Homo sapiens has discovered that the foods that have actual nutritional value are not nearly as enjoyable as doughnuts and conversation hearts.1 This is why, according to a recent study, Americans obtain most of their minerals from their dental fillings.2

Better Nutrition Through Fortified Air

In order to solve this problem without requiring the health conscious to pretend that they aren’t secretly eating doughnuts and pound cake in the bedroom closet, UUTC has invented a novel solution: nutrition that can be breathed instead of needing to be eaten. High Mineral Fortified Air contains all 4,364 essential vitamins, minerals, and nutrients recommended by the FDA, FBI, FAA, and FHA, as well as a generous quantity of oxygen (which is not currently recommended by the FDA, but still a good thing to have access to). Now, instead of having to eat healthy-tasting food, you simply put a Fortified Air canister into your car, your computer, your cell-phone, or your hat, and breath deeply.3

“Chromium(III) picolinate 3D ball,” by Jynto. Public Domain (via Wikimedia Commons)

  1. While conversation hearts actually taste like slightly sweet bits of petrified jello, they often include entertaining messages, which cannot be said for most healthy foods.
  2. This is why composite, i.e., plastic, fillings have led to a decline in our national standard of health.
  3. UUTC warns that excess consumption of Fortified Air can lead to metallomorphosis.

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