Ryan Rocifero has been studying conversation hearts ever since Valentine’s Day, searching for evidence of intelligent life. At last, after two months, two days, four hours, thirty-seven minutes, and twenty seconds (give or take a few), he found the one shown at lower right in this photograph, which suggests that, not only is there intelligent alien life, an alien—or someone with a deep, dark background in cryptography, such as an FBI agent, the IRS, or Edgar Allan Poe—has infiltrated the conversation hearts factory.
So far, Ryan Rocifero has been unable to decipher the precise meaning of this conversation heart, but his aide, Tom Tocifero, has declared in no uncertain terms:
Based on my knowledge of Egyptian, Aztec, Ojibwe, and Neptunian hieroglyphs (not to mention Klingon1), this specimen appears to be either a secret prophecy for select individuals to subconsciously process in the recesses of their left-rear brain nodules, or it’s code for “Honey, I’ll be coming home late from work today.” Either way, it suggests that the Aliens have infiltrated the conversation hearts factory and assumed the likeness of an ordinary candy-machine operator.2
But in case it’s actually the IRS3 or Edgar Allan Poe, we suggest you phone your nearest bomb shelter, request entrance, and lie low for a few weeks.
- While the Klingons have already taken over parts of Welsh government, this message is not expected to come from any such maleficent beings. ↩
- How can multiple aliens assume the likeness of a single candy-machine operator? You’ll have to ask Tocifero. ↩
- Despite the name Internal Revenue Service, you don’t have to live within the United States to be targeted by the IRS. ↩