Obituary for Matthew Arnold Lionel “Sonny” Reynolds, Jr. III

Matthew Arnold Lionel “Sonny” Reynolds, Jr. III, of Smallchester, England died at age 73, at home on his deathbed, on Saturday, 6 February, 2016. The cause is unknown, but it was apparently a good cause, because he has received many gifts in his favour since.

Sonny enjoyed long walks on the beach, alcohol, and women. He is survived by his wife, three ex-wives, a few concubines, and an indeterminate number of children.

He will be remembered for his many good deeds and selfless acts, like the time he changed a tire for an elderly woman behind a counter in a small town, in the pouring rain; and his undying love, which although perhaps temporary in the case of his first three wives, was undoubtedly permanent and everlasting for his last wife.

Sonny was born in Smallchester, England, after residing for about nine months in his mother’s womb. In fact, he was born just about the time his mother was in labour. He grew up as an only child, having no siblings, and was somewhat hard on his parents—but then most youngsters are—in his teenage years. He finished secondary school about the middle of his class, and went on to become a salesman, hobbyist, pretty good poker player, and a heavy drinker. Also a philanthropist: he never smoked a day in his life, but gave all his cigarettes to the poor.

He always had a sense of humour (even if it was sometimes quite uncouth) and was the life of many a party. Whenever he walked into the room, you knew he was there not only because of the alcohol on his breath, but also because he would announce, “Sonny’s here!” He stayed up late, slept late, and ticked off his bosses a few times, but was, overall, a very genial man.

His last words were, “If I’m lying, I’m dying,” and he really meant it.

Services will be held at the St. Crispan’s Chapel on 44th Street, Friday night at 7pm and 9pm, with a matinee special at 10am on the morrow. In lieu of flowers, you may send donations to the Society for Prevention of Animal Suicide.

“Angesichts der Verstorbenen,” by Karel Myslbek. Public domain.

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