Man vs. Doughnut

WARNING: This article contains a frank discussion of doughnuts and uses words of three, four, and five letters.

Today, at the international headquarters of The Flying News, we are hosting a very unique contest: Ron Rocifero does battle against a glazed doughnut.

Now, at first glance this may seem a very unequal contest. After all, not only is Rocifero a weakling barely able to lift his eyes from his cell phone, his vision is so poor that he drives better with his eyes shut than with them open. So while Rocifero, preparing himself for the eminent conflict, trembles in anticipation, the doughnut sits in supremely unmoved confidence, cool and, apparently, without even the least hint of fear.

But, despite his apparent weakness, Rocifero has one important advantage: willpower. Despite it’s undeniable advantage in brute strength (as well as the seductive attractiveness of its appearance), the doughnut altogether lacks this one important quality, since, after all doughnuts don’t, generally speaking, have wills.

But now, the first bout has begun. Rocifero starts by blowing his nose loudly, turning away from the doughnut with a decisive display of self-control. The doughnut remains unmoved, apparently disdaining its opponent’s opening sally. After a moment, however, the doughnut begins to show its strength. Subtly, imperceptible, the doughnut draws Rocifero’s attention to its sugar coated carapace. Gradually, Rocifero abandons his initial attitude of stalwart defiance and is inexorably impelled to examine the doughnut. The crowd sees his mouth begin to water, everyone draws in breath, and two women faint from the suspense.

But all is not lost! Recovering himself at the last minute, Rocifero summons up reserves of firmness, steps back from the doughnut, and readies himself for a new display of fortitude. The crowd breaks into a rousing cheer, and three men faint.


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And now, back to the fight! While we were away, Rocifero took up a defensive position, and we see him now holding a pillow on top of his head. The doughnut, it appears, continues to show indifference to Rocifero’s stratagems, sitting on the plate, continuing its deadly siren-song.

But now: a new tactic. Rocifero makes a bold attack. Will he succeed, or will his daring prove to be foolhardiness? He runs toward the doughnut, grabs it with both hands. No doubt he intends to tear it in pieces and bring a swift end to the battle. But—this is hard to watch—as soon as he has his hands on it, he feels himself unable to resist, and, without even a struggle, he EATS THE DOUGHNUT!

The crowd cheers, Rocifero hangs his head: round one to the doughnut!

“Doughnut,” by Angeldm. CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons.


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