Eyeball Deodorant

If you are like most Americans, you probably smear your armpits liberally with deodorant at least twice a week.1 This, you think, will help reduce offensive bodily odors. However, according to Eusebius Sarkos, a physiologist who recently began a post-doc at the Statistical University of Southern North Dakota, this practice reveals a profound ignorance of bodily odors:

It’s true, of course, that an armpit can be a little pungent. But if you’d ever smelled a colon, you’d realize that even the smelliest armpits of someone who hasn’t had a bath in fourteen years are, by comparison, relatively mild. Your liver doesn’t smell that great either, and neither does your gall bladder.

After coming to this realization, Sarkos, having completed his dissertation on “An Odorimetric Approach to the Internal Organs,” set out to provide a practical solution to the problem of “Unrecognized Internal Odors.” His eventual aim is to have a targeted deodorant for each internal organ. He is, however, currently wrestling with the problem of application. “It is difficult,” he complains, “to convince even the most odor-conscious individual to undergo surgery in order to deodorize his spleens or lymph nodes. Until we either find a less invasive means of application or consciousness evolves to the point where we are willing to undertake the necessary surgery, this problem, serious as it is, will remain unresolved.”

In the mean time Sarkos has taken on a more tractable problem, eye-ball aroma. “Since the eye-ball is partially exposed, the difficult problem of reaching the organ for the purpose of odor-neutralization becomes significantly more tractable. This is, of course, only an intermediate step in the great odor-awakening. We firmly believe that, in the near future, the odor-conscious will move from the use of our patent-pending eye-ball deodorant to a fully odor-neutral physiology.”


“Eyeball cake balls,” by Allison (modmischief.blogspot.ca/2013/10/happy-halloween.html). CC BY-SA 2.0 via Wikimedia Commons. Detail.

  1. Former President Bill Clinton reportedly also uses deodorant behind his ears.

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