USBSM Introduces Larger Inches to Match Expanding Waistlines

The ‘inflation’ of women’s dress sizes is old news.1 However, until recently, men have had to suffer the indignity of seeing their pants size increase, even as their wives’ dress size has decreased.

The United States Bureau of Sizes and Measurements (USBSM) has—finally—made a move to address this distressing situation. Since men’s clothes are measured in inches, policy-makers at the USBSM have taken an important first step towards remedying the situation by introducing the so-called new-inch, equal to approximately 1.3756 ‘old’ inches. This new unit of measurement will be used for all non-metric measurements in the United States, and will be adjusted yearly for inflation.

Insiders report that the USBSM is also considering the adoption of a heavier pound. Some scientists have voiced worries that this trend could put pressure on the metric system to ‘revise’ its measurements as well, which, as astrophysicist Leon Blaskovitz said, “would really mess things up.” So far, the Conférence générale des poids et mesures, guardian of the integrity of the Système International, has refused to consider any such proposals. Still, as fashion designer Marcellino Guglielmino asserts, “those snobs at the CGPM change the standards occasionally anyway. They can’t hold out for long against the power of the fashion industry!”

Postcard with a picture of Tom-Ton (Teodulo Valenzuela). Aged 21, weighing 645lbs. Known as the World’s Fattest Man. CC BY 4.0 via Wikimedia Commons. Cropped.

  1. According to a study by the International Institute of Dress Sizing and Self-Esteem (IIDSSE), it is no longer possible to purchase a dress larger than size 10. This was decisively proven by ordering a dress made to fit a fully-loaded Boeing 747 weighing 400 tons. For women tipping the scales at less than 400 tons, the largest size available appears to be a 9.

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