Here at the global headquarters of The Flying News, we have the privilege of interviewing world-renowned psychopodiatrist Ulrich Fussheiler. After eating nearly a box of chocolate-glazed doughnuts, Fussheiler has agreed to undergo an interview.
The Flying News: For the sake of those of our readers who don’t keep abreast of the latest developments in the field of medicine, why don’t you start by telling us a little about what a psychopodiatrist does on a typical day.
Ulrich Fussheiler: Well, I can only speak for myself: On a typical day, I rise early, brush my teeth with great vigor, and then find my toilet.1 After this, I consume a most nourishing breakfast, sing a song, put on my clothes, and walk down the street. Next, I . . .
TFN: That’s fascinating. Nearly as interesting as Plain Vanilla Joe’s life. But could you tell us a bit more about psychopodiatry? For example, what is it?
UF: Well, to put it quite plainly, psychopodiatry is the science of healing the feet by rightly ordering the mind. The ‘psycho’ part comes from the Greek term ‘ψυχή’, found in other English words such as ‘psychology’ and ‘psychic’. And, of course, ‘podiatry’ is approximately equivalent to the phrase ‘foot-medicine’. Thus, as I said, healing the feet through the mind.
TFN: How does that work? When my feet hurt, it’s usually because I need to trim my toenails.
UF: Well, think of all the ways in which the mind and the feet are intimately linked. For example, if you think about doughnuts while walking around, you’re very likely to step on a nail, and this . . .
TFN: But I like to think about doughnuts while I’m walking.
UF: I’m afraid I cannot recommend it. It is a most pernicious habit.
TFN: So, as a psychopodiatrist, you would tell me not to think about doughnuts while I walk?
UF: Definitely. It is also important to keep in mind the proper circulation of blood to the toes. You see, without the circulation of blood, the toes cannot maintain themselves alive. And it is well-known by medical doctors that the state of mind has an important effect on the circulation of the blood. In particular, stress negatively impacts the proper circulation.2
TFN: So if I want to have healthy feet, it’s important to stay calm?
UF: That is quite correct.
TFN: Could you tell us anything about the history of this exciting field?
UF: Of course. The learned and renowned Ziel van der Genezer began our specialization in the late twentieth century when he was thinking of doughnuts and walking in the street. He stepped quite painfully upon a nail. While he was recovering, he became more and more aware of the interrelation between the soul and the feet.
TFN: Well, we’re nearly out of doughnuts here. Do you have any last words for our readers?
UF: Well, let me see. Say to them something like this: “The mind and the feet are uniquely conjoined. If anyone attempts to separate the two, resist vigorously, lest your feet be made to be in a less than optimum state-of-being.”
“Artist´s View of Feet on a Plate,” by Brimstone. CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons.
- Like many toilets, mine has a tendency to wander about during the night. ↩
- See, for example, P. Tazraei, A. Riasi, and B. Takabi, “The Influence of the Non-Newtonian Properties of Blood on Blood-Hammer through the Posterior Cerebral Artery,” Mathematical Biosciences 264 (2015): 119–127 and J. Pé, “Stress and the Circulation of the Blood: A Psychopodiatric Analysis,” <i>Journal of Circulatory Psychiatry</i> 23 (2011): 202-457. ↩