Tooth Decay with Interruptions from the World Cup

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The following is sponsored by Twizzlers: “Twizzlers! It’s what the 5th dentist recommends.”


The Flying News: Transcribed Video Edition:

Thank you for allowing us to waste several more minutes of your time! Yesterday, in an exclusive interview, we will have sat down with the one out of five dentists who prefers tooth decay over chewing gum, then we’ll transcribe the interview you see below.

Flying News: We’re here with Samuel Rankin, the sole dissenter of the 5-dentist panel. I can’t help but notice your appearance. You look like a wet cat smells, and you have a ‘nose’ that is pugilistic to my olfactory. I strongly dislike you.

Samuel Rankin: Here. Stick these raisins up your nose.

FN: That feels interesting. Does it help combat your smell?

SR: No.

SR: Anyhow, it’s an honor to be here to talk ab-

*****Breaking World Cup News (BWCN)!!!
The team from Uruguay has arrived at the stadium for what is considered to be the premiere game of this year’s World Cup. Upon exiting the restroom after the long bus ride, three players were immediately issued yellow cards for using their hands. There is a growing concern among some about the methods used by the remaining eight.

FN: Sorry about that.

SR: Hey, are you going to eat that?

FN: What?

SR: Your left big toenail.

FN: No. Bon appétit.

*****Breaking World Cup News (BWCN)!!!
Prior to official play, the goalie of Mexico almost ran into the goalpost while practicing his post-goal enraged gesticulations of non-responsibility (PGEGoNR). He is currently listed in questionable condition to return. The referee has issued him a pink card for overacting, which comes with a $10,000 bonus, or a domesticated alligator.

FN: . . . Anyways, you are pretty unsanitary. What portion of your diet is considered unsuitable for human consumption?

SR: About 4/5.

FN: I should have guessed. What does the 1/5 consist of?

SR: Twizzlers, mostly.

FN: So let’s get down to-

*****Breaking World Cup News (BWCN)!!!
Uruguay is stretching prior to the match. Mexico is donning bite-resistant shoulder pads, marinaded in a light remoulade.

FN: So let’s get down to it. Why did you vote opposite all the other dentists surveyed?

SR: Lots of reasons! First, tradition. You know the sole senator who didn’t vote for America to join World War II?

FN: Was that you?

SR: Of course not! That was my grandma Jeannette. Also, from an effort standpoint, it’s much easier for me to practice dentistry on people with no teeth. Though braces present a problem in that case. And flossing. It’s more of a “side to side” motion than up and down.

FN: So where could you possibly successfully practice dentistry with your kind of philosophy?

*****Breaking World Cup News (BWCN)!!!
The head coach of Mexico has just air-punched the General Manager of Uruguay in the face from 50 meters, causing the Uruguay GM to grasp his left calf in pain. The Mexican coach has fainted. Fans haven’t overrun the field, in disgust. Play is suspended while the referees figure out whether the grass is too undamaged to continue play.

SR: Why do they keep breaking into our interview? What’s more important, me or the World Cup?

FN: Was that a rhetorical question? Is this?

SR: Was it?

*****Breaking World Cup News (BWCN)!!!
The Mexican team has just scored 2 goals while the referees were occupied, making this the highest-scoring soccer game in history! The President called to congratulate them, and has issued them all green cards.

SR: Wow, that joke went too far.

FN: That wasn’t a joke.

SR: Well we’ve run out of things to talk about, and I’ve got a bathtub full of warm yogurt waiting for me at home. Really opens the pores. Then fills them with yogurt.

FN: I’m sick to my stomach. They don’t pay me enough to spend this much time with a person like you.

(Regarding this transcribed video edition, we will try to improve our multimedia usage in future posts.)


Image in public domain. Original available at

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