The good news: there’s no bad news today. The bad news: there’s no good news, either. Therefore, like any self-respecting news publication, we will share our musings on the weather.
We are not experts on the weather, not even at the level of broadcast weathermen, much less actual meteorologists. We probably don’t know any more about the weather than you, the Average Reader. But, we are Professional News Reporters™; therefore, we have some fascinating things to say about it.
Weather is a curious thing. It affects everyone, whether old or young, awake or asleep, comatose or aware. Even if they aren’t going outside, people need to know whether to heat or cool their living space. This explains why people keep their newspaper subscriptions active even while they are comatose. And this is also why it is so important for us Professional Reporters to write about it. After all, if we didn’t talk about the weather, what would we talk about? The government?
Now, sometimes the weather does some strange things. We occasionally get snow in summer, like they do in Australia, or a hot spell in the winter. Sometimes the wet season turns out to be rather dry, or the dry season gets us soaked to the bone. But right now, the weather isn’t doing anything particularly interesting. It’s been a rather pleasant month, and the seasons are following their usual course. But that in itself might be cause for us to wonder. Is it really so usual? Is it not just a little bit strange, even off-putting, that the weather is so nonchalantly moving along? Perhaps it is cause for concern. Perhaps it is the “calm before the storm” so often talked about. Could we be on the cusp of the global warming phenomenon and on the verge of dipping into another ice age? The weather has been known to change, you know.
Lest this story come off as incomplete, we did interview Sven Hemlüt, the head of The European Weather Union (EWU), which is a watchdog group that keeps tabs on the weather. The EWU tracks old weather and new weather, and compares the predicted weather with the actual weather, to calculate batting averages for the weathermen so that trading card collectors can rate their weatherman cards. “This weather,” said Mr. Hemlüt, “agrees quite well with the forecasts, which is terribly unusual. If we didn’t know better, we’d think someone from the future was leaking the weather forecasts to the meteorologists through a breach in the space-time continuum.”
Scotland Yard and the Joint Intelligence Committee are working with the United States Central Intelligence Agency to determine whether there has been a breach of the space-time continuum, although they are better versed in breaches of security. In the meantime, citizens will be allowed to continue listening to the weathermen.
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