Whether you are a doctor, lawyer, scientist, stay-at-home mom, president of a failing company, president of a failing country, 3-year-old child, or a sickly, gaunt, but well-dressed supermodel, you undoubtedly have faced a good number of diseases in your lifetime, and will likely experience more in years to come. Basically, anyone who is not either God, an angel, or some superior life-form from outer space has to deal with the problem of illness.1
But now, scientists at Plutonium University in Wales have discovered the number one (#1) cause of all diseases. Not just the flu, or measles, or Scarlet Fever, or stomach ulcers, but almost all diseases, especially infectious ones.
This discovery has far-reaching consequences, including the ability to avoid diseases before they even start. Not just cure them—doctors enjoy torturous cures to all kinds of diseases, as they hurt the patient much more than they ever hurt the doctor—but prevent them altogether.
This is what your doctor doesn’t want you to know. This one simple method, avoiding the top cause of all diseases, could put 99 per cent of doctors out of business. They would be no better off than you and I, who have to earn our bread by hard labour rather than standing around a comfortable office, telling embarrassed patients to take off their clothes and “put on this gown,” looking into their bodily orifices, and scanning through secret files that list their height, weight, age, waistline, and other things they could have measured for themselves at home.
So what is this discovery? What is the Number One cause of all diseases? The Numero Uno “prime mover” of illness and ailments? What in the world is it already? And what can we do about it? What? What?!?!
Well, I’m glad you asked. Rhetorical questions are a very useful way to lengthen an article, grasp or retain a reader’s attention, and in addition make you, the reader, feel like a total idiot compared to the gushing streams of knowledge flowing forth from the journalist’s brain (which knows everything, since he, the journalist, spends all day reading the entire internet while the rest of you have to do hard labour).2
Again, I’m glad you asked. For the answer to this question, we present a beautifully-spoken quote, the one thing in this article not written by the author, by the hitherto unknown disease expert from Plutonium University, Dr. (not medical doctor) Simon Ugio, Ph.D.:
After much careful research, some trial and error, many fruitless searches, and a few bottles of gin each night for the last twenty years that I have been doing this work—and, by the way, there were also a number of interns who were paid far less than I for their valuable work—I have discovered that the number one cause of disease, both in the Western World and in the Eastern World, is actually something the scientific community refers to as “germs,” which comprise bacteria, viruses, funguses, and perhaps even some other lesser-known microbes, whether organisms or not.
The way to avoid diseases, then, is ridiculously simple, just like all those internet ads—you know you want to click them—that tell you about losing weight, gaining muscle, smoothing wrinkles, preventing heartbreak, etc. Just avoid germs. That’s right. Stop eating bacteria, stop breathing all those viruses, stop walking through the neighbourhood of spores and such. Do all these things, and you will never get sick again.