Department of Defense to be Department of Offense

Vim Vocifero
28 February 2015

Field Marshal Marcel Hoffmann announced today that The United States Department of Defense1 will in the future be known as the Department of Offense:

As George Washington said, “The best defense is a good offense.” And while, in modern America, we are committed to peace and no longer wage wars, we still want everyone to know that we are still capable of being offensive, and even, on occasion quite rude. Still, “The Department of Offense” sounds a lot better than “The Department of Rudeness.”2 If you don’t like it, you can go boil your head.

According to an unofficial report, recruits will be required to undergo training in new and trendy fields including tactical whoopee cushions, targeted bubble gum™ placement, and the strategic use of boogers. Current Pentagon employees will receive continuing education in cross-cultural insults, offensive gestures, and minor vandalism.

While, according to unverifiable reports, some officers are concerned that the new policies coincident with the new name will reduce military effectiveness, Hoffmann, in a secret meeting with President Obama, House of Representatives, Senate, Supreme Court, CEO of McDonalds, and Bill Gates, assured the audience that there would be no such thing:

Our experience has clearly shown that rudeness and practical jokes know no boundaries. While military operations are very bad for morale, and end up making everyone mad at us, our new policy of “targeted offense” will put our troops in the best of spirits, even though everyone will still be mad at us. So in the long run, we’ll be assured a much more upbeat and positive spirit.

“Jet over mount” by Edward L. Cooper, commissioned for the US Army. Public domain via Wikimedia Commons.

  1. Known as the Department of War until September 18th, 1947. ↩
  2. Let alone “The Snot Office,” which we also considered. ↩

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