Holiday Uncheer©

Vim Vocifero
31 December 2014

Cheer, as everyone knows, can mean (among various other meanings that I am not interested in discussing today) three distinct things: (1) A feeling of gaiety, mirth, or cheerfulness;1 (2) A loud shout or acclamation expressing applause, joy, enthusiasm, cheer (1), or approbation; and (3) Alcoholic beverages of all kinds, particularly those set forth to celebrate a feast. It is, however, noteworthy that an excess of cheer (3) can lead to a distinct deficit of cheer (1). So, now that the holidays are upon us, what some of our readers may need is not so much holiday cheer (3), as holiday uncheer (3), that is, beverages used to recover from excess holiday cheer (3).

After much experimentation, we are happy to present the best2 recipe for Holiday Uncheer©.

Prepare this recipe in a cool, dry place. Avoid sparks and open flames, and have at least two fire extinguishers handy.

Directions:

  1. Take two matches and lay them in front of you.
  2. Fill a 12 oz. glass with apple cider vinegar.
  3. Incorporate 3 T. ground Cayenne pepper.
  4. Infuse with hydrogen gas.
  5. Add 12 oz. high octane gasoline.
  6. Mix in 2 t. gunpowder.
  7. Stir in 14 g. Trinitrotoluene.
  8. Strike the first match and hold it at arm’s length.
  9. Quickly ingest contents of glass and immediately touch lit match to mouth.
  10. Cheer (2).

This recipe will burn off all the alcohol in your system and reverse some of the effects of cheer (1-3).3

Use this recipe only as directed and only if a qualified physician recommends it and signs a document to the effect that he takes full and personal responsibility for all of your actions. Pregnant and nursing mothers should limit their consumption of cheer (3) in the first place, and should never do anything without consulting a medical doctor. This recipe does not constitute the giving of medical or dietary advice. By reading this recipe and breathing, you agree to hold harmless of all injury or mishap, seen or unforeseen, The Flying News, all of its subsidiaries, relatives, associates, descendants, ancestors, friends, contributors, readers, editors, and great-uncles by marriage twice-removed, as long as you both shall live, till death do us part.
Amen.

“Draco Spiritus,” by Zoulburner. CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons. Cropped.

  1. However, this definition seems problematic because circular (3). I looked up cheerfulness in the same 15 lb. dictionary that I found my definitions of cheer (1-3) in, and found that cheerfulness means “the state of being cheerful.” And, of course, cheerful is defined in this same enormous dictionary as “full of cheer.” ↩
  2. And probably the only. ↩
  3. Note that The Flying News does not recommend the use or abuse of flammable substances. ↩

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