Formal Education™ seems to begin earlier and earlier every year. Not only do the school year and the school day start earlier, but the age at which children are expected to get stressed out about things like homework and peer pressure gets earlier too.
Kindergarten, a German word which could be literally translated as “childrens’ garden,” was once seen as a place where children could play, learn to get along together, and pick their noses. No longer. It is now a place of standardized tests, homework, and impressive sounding projects that parents complete for their children.
These days, preschool can begin as early as 15 minutes postpartum, but children in the womb have been unable to benefit from the increased emphasis on early education.
That is, until now they have been unable to benefit from the increased emphasis on early education. Ultimate Universal Technology Corporation (UUTC) has introduced a clever piece of technology designed to begin education in the womb. Featuring interactive software, a touchpad, and earbuds, The Prenatalist™ is designed by education experts to give your child a head start. When other parents talk about how their children are learning their ABCs, your child will be beginning calculus. UUTC plans to produce a range of devices, each one designed for a different style of parenting. These include The Sweetheart™, which dispenses chocolates and hard candy to reward the pupil for successful learning, The Corporal™, which uses mild electric shocks to reinforce learning and prevent distraction, and The Natural™, which uses manipulables™ to encourage the unborn child to learn by discovery.
Look for this exciting new product in the education section of your local grocery store or neighborhood pub.
Image: Eucharius Rösslin “Child in womb,” in The byrth of mankynde, otherwyse named The womans booke, 1545. Wellcome Library, London, CC-BY-4.0, via rel=”nofollow” target=”_blank”>Wikimedia Commons, adapted.