I believe in petroleum distillate.
I believe that an expensive car enhances sexual fitness.
That a car’s horsepower directly correlates to intelligence.
That the larger your car is, the better you are.
That if you pick your nose in your own car, nobody can see you.
That I can drive safely while drunk, texting, and with my eyes shut—but nobody else can.
That a bright colored car is faster and more aerodynamic.
Anyone driving slower than I am is an idiot.
Anyone driving faster than I am is a reckless fool.
Anyone driving slower than I am is infringing on my fundamental human rights.