Eat As Much As You Want

Vim Vocifero
13 October 2014

The Chew Bag™

Maybe you like to eat, but are concerned about gaining too much weight, getting a hot dog stuck in your throat, or having your food decide to pinch you after it’s already in your stomach.1 Or maybe you don’t like to eat, but you like the taste of food. In either case, you should take a look at the Chew Bag™, recently introduced in the United States, and soon to be available at an office supply store near you.

The chew bag uses a selective molecular filter that allows you to taste food without eating any. You simply insert the desired food into the bag, put the bag into your mouth, and then chew. When you are finished, you can throw the bag away or stick it under your desk. Reuse is not recommended.

When we heard about this amazing invention, we had to try one out. Ryan Rocifero drew the short straw, and got to test a piece of meatloaf in a Chew Bag™. After approximately 1.7 seconds, he began vomiting, which at first made us think that there was a serious problem with the product. After he had recovered, he explained that he couldn’t stand meatloaf, and had thought that the Chew Bag™ contained lasagna.

Inside sources report that substantial funding for the Chew Bag™ was provided by Kraft Foods.2
Director of Marketing, Elaine A. Hibbitts explains:

The problem with the food business, economically speaking, is that the human stomach has a very limited capacity. Using this technology, however, we have been able to overcome these limits. We hope that per capita consuption of food will increase exponentially.

Photo includes detail of “Mysliwska, Polish” by Mariuszjbie. CC-BY-SA-3.0 via Wikimedia Commons.

  1. This last is most likely if you eat live crabs, lobsters, or earwigs. ↩
  2. Subsidiaries of Kraft Foods include Battery Properties, Inc., Boca Foods Company, Branded Restaurant Group Inc., Capri Sun, Inc., Churny Company, Inc., Claussen Pickle Co., Garland BBQ Company, Group Brands LLC, Kohrs Packing Company, KPC Foods, Inc., Pollio Italian Cheese Company, Seven Seas Foods, Inc., The Yuban Coffee Company, and The Cadbury Group. Brands that are owned by Kraft Foods include A.1., Grey Poupon, Gevalia, Planters, Jell-O, Maxwell House, Oscar Mayer, Philadelphia, Polly-O, Velveeta, RIDG’s Finer Foods, B. 17., and Blu Poupon ↩

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