Vandals Deface Public Monument, Correct Grammatical Mistake

Columbus, OH: The John W. Galbreath Bicentennial Park includes fountains, pedestrian and cyclist trails, a restaurant, a sound stage, and what someone must have found to be a very irksome grammatical error.

Park authorities reported to the police that, sometime between the hours of 2:17 and 4:29 Tuesday morning, vandals defaced the dedicatory plaque located on the side of the bathrooms to the west of the fountain. The perpetrator or perpetrators used files or metal grinders to remove a grammatically incorrect apostrophe.

At this point, the prime suspect is a restaurant patron who was disgruntled by being served a martini without an olive during the preceding weekend. This suspect was later observed photographing the defaced plaque.

City of Columbus Director of Marketing for Parks and Recreation released a statement to the press, as follows:

At the Department of Parks and Recreation, our first commitment is to the safety and well-being of all our citizens, whether young or old, human or punctuation mark. We must have no tolerance towards criminals, since any crime makes the many, many citizens who enjoy our parks uncomfortable and concerned for their own safety. If vandals can remove a punctuation mark from a plaque, who knows how far they will go next time. Furthermore, we can’t have anyone calling attention to our stupid mistakes, as this makes it less likely that tax payers will continue to increase our funding and rich benefactors will choose us as recipients of their rich benefaction. We will not rest until we see the ruthless and unprincipled criminals who inflicted this great crime upon the public good brought to justice.

An arrest is expected imminently, and the plaque is already being restored to it’s original state.

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