Have you ever wanted to split wood? Follow our helpful and clear advice, and you can impress your friends and amaze your neighbors with your advanced wood-splitting abilities.
There are three main ways to split wood: The Physiological Method, The Psychological Method, and The Paleontological Method. We’ll explore each of these methods in turn.
1. The Physiological Method:
- Sharpen your teeth. Use a mill bastard file or whetstone. Do not use a grinding wheel, since it produces too much heat and can damage the temper of your teeth.
- Approach the log aggressively at an oblique angle. Use a controlled stroke and split the wood into even pieces.
- Use your feet to stack the split pieces so that they can dry.
2. The Psychological Method:
- Think angry thoughts. Fill your mind with memory of the evils that unsplit wood has perpetrated on an innocent world.
- Put the wood under your pillow, and go to sleep. Be sure to keep your mind filled with angry thoughts. (See step one.)
- Wake up in the morning to find your wood split. If wood is not split, go back to step one.
3. The Paleontological Method:
- Make some dough.
- Shape the dough into a wedge shape.
- Leave the dough outside and cover in mud.
- Dig up dough after 50,000 years. If it has turned into stone, go to the next step. If not, go back to step three.
- Use wedge to split wood.
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