Non-Surgical Digestive Bypass

Vim Vocifero
18 July 2014
Public domain image, "Die dick seyllerin," available at http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Die_dick_seyllerin.jpeg#mediaviewer/File:Die_dick_seyllerin.jpeg.

Breaking news on the obesity front: Gold Touch Nanotechnology™, LLC, has developed a new way to reduce weight gain. Their new digestive bypass avoids the need for surgery, dieting, and any kind of self-control. Instead nanotechnology creates a number of tiny pores leading from the stomach to the outside of the body. Food enters the stomach, but then exits through these pores, avoiding the intestines altogether.

“At Gold Touch,” says chief of marketing Sarah Dorman, “our goal is to make things easy for you, so that you can eat whatever you like and not take in any calories at all.”

Researchers in the field of obesity statistics have expressed concern that anti-calorie technology will lead to malnutrition.1 Dorman, however, denies that this can happen:

The magic of nanotechnology selectively retains nutrients while removing calories. In fact, there’s more of a danger of over-nutrition than malnutrition with this product. Since all the vitamins and minerals are retained, the body of someone using our digestive bypass gradually becomes more and more fully mineralized.2

So far, the digestive bypass has proven very effective as an aid to weight loss. Some users have even gone so far as to have direct injections of glucose, simply to maintain a healthy body weight. However, many early adopters report that the procedure can result in slight stains on the back of one’s shirt.

Public domain image, “Die dick seyllerin,” available at http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Die_dick_seyllerin.jpeg#mediaviewer/File:Die_dick_seyllerin.jpeg.

  1. See, for example, Chad Ball, Julie Q. Parks, et al., “Cautions about Anti-Calorie Technology” Review of Obesity Statistics 2 (2013): 32-11; and Lukas Beherrschtheit, “, Obesity, Technology, and Character” Ethics and Technology 23 (2001): 22-54. ↩
  2. See our earlier stories about metallophagy and metal based foods. ↩

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