Step Aside, Tea: Coffee is Where It’s At

A coffee drinker.

Real Men Drink Coffee

The political anti-tax group known as the tea party used to be the last word in extreme American politics. This year, though, the tea party just isn’t extreme enough.

“Governing is a privilege, not a right,” argues Alexander Gottlieb, of Plymouth, WI, “and rather than taxing us, the government ought to pay us for the privilege of governing. The ‘Tea Party’, with all its talk of eliminating taxes, just doesn’t go far enough: It’s too weak. If all those involved in government would simply GO OUT AND GET JOBS, we would immediately solve all of the economic, social, military, political, epistemological, and psychological problems that have been plaguing us lately, and also eliminate so many expenses, including the salaries and benefits paid by the federal government to federal employees, who would no longer be needed.

“If all those senators, judges, and federal office workers had real jobs, the government would actually produce income and we wouldn’t need any taxes at all. Furthermore, the sale of the government buildings that would no longer be needed would bring in quite a bit of cash.”

Gottlieb claims that, despite its historic associations with the American Revolution and its acronymic possibilities, tea has never really been an American drink. He is attempting to found a new political party, which he is calling the coffee party.

While trying to think of an appropriately American name for his political party Gottlieb reportedly considered ‘Beer Party’ and ‘Coca-Cola Party’, but finally settled on ‘Coffee Party’ as having the appropriate serious tone.

“Kofetarica” by Ivana Kobilca. National Gallery of Slovenia. Public domain image, available at

1 Comment

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  1. A. Java Munto says:

    I am the certified coffee party candidate for dog catcher in the town of Old Newport, Ohio. Please support me and vote for me. Donations may be sent to me via pony express.

    Thank you.

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