Advice for Frustrated Parents

Vim Vocifero
13 June 2014
Are you a frustrated parent?

Are you a parent? If so, are you frustrated? If so, have we got some advice for you. And believe me, our parenting advice is outstanding beyond compare.

Only last month, after reading our first ever parenting column, Giovanna Lombardo wrote to us to say “My life has been transformed. Ever since I read your column, everything has looked purple to me. What a difference!” And Arichikunorikuto Kishimoto of Surrey, BC, e-mailed us to say: “You people—I use the term loosely—are so weird. Wearing purple tinted glasses? But the even weirder thing is that it really works. My house has looked so much cleaner since I’ve started wearing them. The really dark purple ones work best, though.”

Well, today we have more new, cutting-edge, evolutionary-psychology-based advice for frustrated parents. Of course, the kind of solution depends on the kind of frustration. If you are frustrated by pests, you’ll have to wait for next week’s column. If you are frustrated by relatives, you’ll have to wait even longer. However, if you are frustrated by your children, and your children are neither pests nor relatives, we suggest the following solutions, all of them excellent:

  1. Go outside and scream as loud as you can. Research shows that this will make all the neighbors want to help you out. They will be concerned for their safety and worried that your screaming will depress neighborhood property values, and will offer you free babysitting, buy you drinks, mow your lawn for you, etc.1
  2. Get a large aggressive pet and name it Bill. An alligator would be good enough, but a Killer Whale or Great White Shark would be better. An Allosaurus™, would be even better, if you can find one. You might also consider a really, really big Venus Flytrap. Don’t use the pet as a threat. Instead, if any of your children is frustrating you, just talk to the pet casually: “Hey Bill, are you hungry?”
  3. Feed your children. That’s right! Scientific research suggests that parents who feed their children regularly are much less frustrated by them.2
  1. See Rato Kralj, “Public Screaming: Group Selection or Kin Selection?” Journal of Scientific Studies in Advanced Evolutionary Biology and Chimney Repair 12 (2007): 12-13. ↩
  2. Adélaïde Duplanty, Are Hungry Children Happier? Studies in Evolution (Boston: Red Socks Press, 2001) ↩

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1 Comment

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  1. Winston Churchill VI says:
    14 June 2014 at 8:13 pm

    Please, is this website serious? My wife and I are having a serious disagreement about it, and we would like clarification.

    Thank you.

    Reply

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