How to Talk to the Queen

Vim Vocifero
17 May 2014

Have you ever been taking a peaceful, quiet, non-confrontational sort of a walk, strolling languidly through a park or down a country lane, your mind full of the beauties of green growing things, when suddenly, without warning, you find yourself confronted with a queen, or perhaps a king, prince, princess, or some other such royal personage? Maybe you’ve been uncommonly lucky, and you’ve avoided this tricky situation—so far. But beware, because this plight could befall you too: none of us are completely safe. And if you have experienced something of this sort, you’ll surely know what an embarrassing and potentially hazardous situation it can be. Even if you no longer wake up screaming in the night, you undoubtedly break out in a cold sweat and feel faint at the very thought.

Since these occurrences can develop without warning, the staff of The Flying News has prepared this helpful, possibly even life-saving, guide.

 

How to Talk to Royalty

 

One most important point to keep in mind when talking to royalty is that they can order your head chopped off. Because of this consideration, be sure not to do or say anything rude.1 For example, we recommend you not make the following remarks:

  • “Your majesty, I don’t know how anyone can stand to hang around with someone as boring as you.”
  • “You’re not really going to wear that crown, are you? It’s totally out of style.”
  • “You OBVIOUSLY haven’t been reading The Flying News. How can I tell? Because you have no sense of humor.2“

So now you know what not to say. But you still need something to say. So how should you begin a conversation? Since royalty, like most other people, are interested in themselves, it’s usually a good idea to ask personal questions. Here are some examples:

  • What kind of phone do you have?
  • Do you have any children?
  • What’s your favorite3 band?
  • Do you eat a lot of doughnuts?
  • How about butter? Do you eat a lot of butter?
  • How did you get to be so fat, then?
  • How much do you weigh?
  • I don’t think being fat is a bad thing. I meant it as a compliment?
  • No! Really! Put down that axe! I was being nice!

Finally, if you can’t think of anything better to do, you can always recite poetry. To be prepared for this eventuality, take a look at some of the poetry that has appeared in The Flying News.

“Richtblock und Richtbeil aus aus Zielerzig/Osternberg, 19. Jahrhundert; Märkisches Museum Berlin,” by Anagoria, CC-BY-3.0 via Wikimedia Commons.

  1. It is also generally, although perhaps not always, a bad idea to offer a royal personage drugs. ↩
  2. For starters, you should almost always use British spelling with royal personages, since the chances are, the royal personage whom you have encountered is not American. Exceptions may, however, occur in New York or New Albany. ↩
  3. See note two regarding British spelling. ↩

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