The Flying News
OUR BEST ISSUE YET!!!
“For the Edification of the Planet!”
Table o’ Contents
Oh, look, it’s page 1
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Introduction to the 20th Anniversary Edition
We really don’t know for sure when The Flying News was first published. We don’t even know for sure that The Flying News was first published.
But, lacking anything better to do, we have decided to celebrate our Twentieth Anniversary™.
How, you might ask, will we celebrate such a momentous and—dare I say it—earth-shattering event? Well might you ask.
The short answer is this: “We have no idea.”
The long answer is this: “We really have no idea at all.”
This must be page 2
So why don’t you start by taking a quiz:
which makes this page 3
High Fructose Corn Syrup
“The Industrial Sweetener”
Thank you for supporting your local High Fructose Corn Syrup, without which this edition of The Flying News would not have been possible, or at least would have been slightly less probable.
Did you know…? Along with sugar and vegetable oil, CORN SYRUP SOLIDS are one of America’s favorite non-perishable coffee condiments!
Fine print: The Flying News does not contain, is not affiliated with, and is not supported by, high fructose corn syrup. Consumption of high fructose corn syrup is not required for the reading of this publication. Nor is consumption of The Flying News directly associated with an increase in blood sugar or metabolic activity.
i guess this would be page 4
Handling Grammatical Idiots
Are you surrounded by people who speak with bad grammar? Do you constantly have to clean out your ears because of all the cacophonous junk that goes into them?
Well, we at The Flying News know your plight exactly. In fact, we are constantly surrounded by grammatical idiots.
For example, here is a pretty typical day at the newsroom of The Flying News, as transcribed by Tom Tocifero. (Only first names are given to protect the identity of the staff members involved.)
Vim: Top o’ the mornin’ to ya, Jim!
Jim: Good ‘arvo, mate! How do you do?
Vim: Pretty good. [first infraction]
Vim: Speaking of which, Jim, you know that story you wrote the other day?
Jim: Yes, indeed. Did you like it?
Vim: My grandmother could’ve wrote it better. [second infraction]
Jim: Your grandmother wrote for the largest newspaper in the world during the heyday of print publication.
Vim: Look, just try and do better next time. [third infraction]
Lim: You know what Pythagoras always said.
Phim: What’s that?
Lim: The square of the hypotenuse equals the sum of the squares of the two legs of a right triangle.
Phim: That’s beside the point.
Jim: What are you guys talking about?
Flim: I think they’re insulting your intelligence.
Flam: You don’t even work here.
Flim: Neither do you.
Vim: I’m going to have to edit both of you out.
Jim: Edit? You can’t even speak proper English.
Lim: ¿Quien está hablando inglés?
Phim: Yo no sé.
Vim: I can’t believe you’d insult me like this. In print too. You make me noxious. [fourth infraction] If it weren’t for Phim and I — [fifth infraction]
Jim: Print? Do you know something I don’t?
Vim: Of course. I know how to right. [sixth infraction]
Jim: But you don’t know how to spell.
Vim: How can you tell?
[at this point, a brawl ensues.]
[Eventually, things settle down in the newsroom, someone writes a story, Jim breaks for tea, Lynn takes a few incriminating photographs, and the day ends abruptly when the sun sets two minutes ahead of schedule.]
Anyway, the brawl is the proper way to handle grammatical idiots. In fact, it is the only way. The tea is helpful for cooling down afterwards. That’s what tea does. It cools down (because it starts hot).
wow, page 6 already
- Start off in a north-northwesterly direction.
- Turn right!
- Gradually turn to starboard until you are heading due west. (If you undertake to follow these directions, we advise you do so on one of the equinoxes, so that the sun will set exactly in the west.)
- Apply liberally to head and arms.
- Start off in a north-northeasterly direction.
- The player who rolls the highest number goes first.
- Proceed in a clockwise direction.
- Forward 15mm.
- Torque to 75 ft-lbs.
- Beat until firm but not dry.
- For external use only.
is this page 7?
Pictures of the Century (Free Stuff)
Here are some (free stuff) pictures you can download (FREE STUFF) and use as a desktop background/wallpaper for your (FREE STUFF!!!) computer at home, work, on the subway, etc. The best part is, they are free (did we mention free?). If you would like to share them with friends, Romans, or countrymen, we ask that you provide a link to The Flying News, or just tell them to download them from here.
Click a picture to open the full-resolution image, then right-click to save it to your computer.
These images are also available over yonder.
i 8 the page
Tom Tocifero, editor of the infants and toddlers section of The Flying News takes on the hard questions posed by our loyal readers.
Dear Tom: I have this problem. I’m an assiduous devotee of the doughnut hole, but I keep having doubts about whether my doughnut holes are really genuine. Sure, they look like doughnut holes, and sure, the package says “doughnut holes,” but how can I be absolutely positive I’ve got the real thing? How can I be certain that my holes really came out of doughnuts? — Confused.
Dear Confused: First of all, you shouldn’t be eating doughnut holes. You shouldn’t even think about doughnut holes. They were invented by one of the most insidious and powerful forces for evil in the contemporary world. Second, you need to think about what a hole really is. A hole is a place where something has been removed or is missing. You wouldn’t dig a hole in the ground and then call the dirt you removed a hole. The hole is the place where the dirt was. Similarly, the only real doughnut hole is the place where the central dough has been removed. Therefore, anything else which claims to be a doughnut hole is illegitimate. ‘Hole’ can also mean an embarrassing situation, and that seems to be what you are in, due to your ill-advised and morally-heinous obsession with doughnut holes.
Hell Ttom: Hey, do U no the Red Sox? Anyway, I no U all R super concerned about spelling and stuf like that. So Y do they spll it ‘SOX’? Wuzzup w dat? — Grammmatticl
Dear Grammatical: Indeed, we are very concerned with both orthography and proper syntax, which makes this question of great interest to us. Much to our embarrassment, we discovered that ‘sox’ was an effort by newspapers to save ink. They figured that by eliminating extra letters, they could use the ink for private office quarrels instead of putting it on paper for their readers. (See Daniel Engber, “Why the Red Sox aren’t the Red Socks,” http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/recycled/2007/10/x_marks_the_baseball_team.html, 12 March 2015, 12:18.0001320001 EST.) If this makes you puce with rage, we recommend you read our column on splitting wood.
page 9, wow you’re still reading
When I wear a flannel shirt over my t-shirt, I feel like that guy from Nirvana. At least, my arms and shoulders do.
page 9.5, hey that’s my shoe size
Automatic Light Switches Brighten while They Dim
Automatic light switches are catching on everywhere. In homes, businesses, public toilets, starships, etc. Aside from a few downsides, like the lights going off when you’ve overstayed your time in the water closet, these automatic light switches are entirely good inventions. They have a little motion sensor, which, as the name implies, senses motion in the room and turns the light on (or off, if you set it up that way) when someone walks into the room. Thus, they save energy when no one is around.
There is still some relatively uncharted territory for these nifty little switches, though. One place many people don’t think to put them is in their own offices. Sure, they have them in the office kitchen and the office restroom, but so far I haven’t seen them in anyone’s office but my own. I installed it myself, and although I got a few shocks (since the building manager wouldn’t give me the key to the circuit breaker panel), it went very well.
Let me tell you about the benefits. First of all, it caters to my laziness. Rather than turning off the lights when I leave at the end of the day, I bask in the enjoyment of strutting out the door haphazardly, letting the lights decide for themselves when to go out (unlike my children, who only go out when I decide they can go out). Then, when I come back to work the next day, it turns the lights on for me. Oh, the laziness!
Secondly, it protects the ecosystem. That is, it turns on for the insects that roam my office at night, giving them enough light to see where they are going and creep around safely. Fewer insects colliding with furniture and other insects (or spiders) means more protection for the ecosystem. At least, I think it does.
Finally, and perhaps the greatest benefit of all: when you fall asleep at your desk, the motion sensor, sensing your lack of motion, which, besides sensing actual motion, is what it does best—physicists call this “potential motion”—turns the light off for you. This improves the quality of my naps by at least 27.4% and greatly increases my productivity for the other two hours of the work day.
10, 10, a big fat hen
Your Personal Horoscope
Aries: Face it, you have no future.
Laries: Don’t count your chickens before you hard-boil eggs.
Curlies: What’s that thing in your shoe?
Moeies: Please consider the environment before printing your horoscope.
Taurus: Please consider your friends or coworkers before sending that e-mail.
Gemini: Life does not have an ‘Undo’ button.
Cancer: Mind the gap.
Leo: Try drinking your coffee upside-down today. If you don’t drink coffee, drink it leftside-sideways.
Virgo: If you are not moving forwards, you are moving backwards. If you are not moving backwards, you are either moving sideways, or not moving at all.
Libro: Forward-looking statements are smaller than they appear.
Scorpio: The sun will come out tomorrow, but it might give you sunburn.
Sagittarius: Before jumping from a tall building, calculate the time it takes to reach the ground. This way you will know exactly how long you have to live, which is a better estimate than even our horoscopes.
Capricorn: Is your refrigerator runny? How about your nose?
Aquarius: Rather than plotting a violent revenge on the coworker who stole your promotion, leave some embarrassing sticky notes on his office door with phrases like “cleaning my dentures—back soon” or “clipping my toenails—try later.”
Pisces: Please excuse my dear aunt Sally.
If today is your birthday: Consider a dental cleaning.
If yesterday was your birthday: You should have read this yesterday.
What your Doughnut of Choice Says About Your Inner Self!
The science of Doughnut Analysis, also known as toroidology, is an ancient one. While ordinary people are generally well aware that this science has roots in the haruspicy of the Roman Republic, historians have discovered roots that go back much further, connecting Doughnut Analysis to pre-historic Babylonian practice. While expertise in the details of toroidology requires both devoted practice and long study, even the neophyte can appreciate some of its esoteric aspects. Thus, we provide here a basic guide to the most typical kinds of doughnuts as they relate to the psychology of the individual.
- The Glazed Doughnut: The glazed doughnut is attractive to those whose inner self has developed a hard coating of self-deception. If you prefer this style of doughnut, it is likely that your inner emptiness and lack of substance is concealed by a sweet exterior.
- The Jelly-Filled Doughnut: You eschew the superficial glamor (or glamour) of the exterior for a rich and enduring interior life.
- The French Cruller: You are probably dainty, flamboyant, and tend to accent the last syllable of every word.
- The Chocolate Covered Doughnut: You take a dark view of life, but your inside is empty.
- The Sprinkle Covered Doughnut: You are frivolous, and you think that you deserve everything you want without having to work for it. You were also born on May 2nd, 1963, you weigh 132 lbs., and your social security number is 954-010-5747.
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page 13, you know what that means
The True and Authentic History of The Flying News, by Vim Vocifero
The sad fact of the matter is that The Flying News began as an architectural experiment. Does this surprise you? Well, it happened like this:
Once upon a time, there were three architects. The first architect was named Mim Mocifero, the second Shim Shocifero, and the third Quin Quocifero. Together they set out on the road, eager to find their fortune.
As they walked, they realized, all of a sudden, that they had no doughnuts. At the same time (and not by coincidence), they came to a branching of the roads. After arguing for a little while, Mim took the left branch, Shim took the right branch, and Quin walked straight on.
Mim, who had taken the right branch, walked until he came to an inn. There he ordered some beer and doughnuts, and then went to sleep for the night.
Shim, who had taken the left branch, walked until he came to a charging station for plug-in™ electric vehicles. He took out some wire, a few transistors, an electric motor, and three pennies, and proceeded to manufacture a doughnut maker for himself.
Quin, who had walked straight on, decided he had walked far enough, and took the bus home. However, when he had arrived, he found that there were no doughnuts in the kitchen. He searched and searched, until he finally found a few doughnuts in the bathtub which Ryan Rocifero had been saving to eat during his monthly bath.
While they slept, the three dreamt dreams. These dreams, faithfully recorded, formed the basis of the first editions of The Flying News.
14, I’m getting tired of counting
Jim Jocifero: How The Flying News Really Began
It is still debatable whether The Flying News had a beginning, whether it has begun at all, or is only beginning to begin. Nevertheless, it has been known to exist in several pockets of the universe, both in print and cyberspace. So the real question is, which came first, the print or the cyberspace? Well, I would say “print” but even the printed words began on a computer, which suggests that the cyber version came first. But, the cyber versions sometimes were a convergence of several handwritten notes, which may have been written in schoolbooks, on napkins, or even directly on a wooden desk. (Note that writing on a wooden desk does not constitute vandalism if it is easily erased, or funny.) So it’s really a toss-up. [*Tosses a coin.*] Since the coin landed on the Queen’s head, I think the answer is settled.
But all that aside, The Flying News was actually a space experiment in which several species of aliens were asked to participate—whether voluntarily or not, one cannot say—and to explain the lessons of the universe in a more rigorous fashion than the current worldly trends. When most of the aliens were deported to their home planets by the government of the United States of America (which thinks it owns the planet), it was necessary to piece together their original manuscripts without any competent translators. Eventually, the staff was reduced to near mutiny, and it took all of Jim Jocifero’s urgings to keep Vim Vocifero from giving up altogether. Reminding him of Winston Churchill’s great commencement speech, Vim was finally restored to a sane but modest level of ambition, and together Vim Vocifero, Lim Locifero, Phim Phocifero, and one rhinoceros completed a modest translation of the first part of the alien manuscripts, while Jim Jocifero edited for King’s English. Boy, do those aliens write fast! Before deportation, there were already thousands of pages, and the staff is still working on it.
The next phase of The Flying News grew out of a Blue Hubbard Squash seed. Unbeknownst to the staff who planted it, this seed was the product of a cross-pollenated squash, and was not exactly Blue, nor exactly Hubbard, and as it grew it took on an increasingly ominous tone which one might called Hue Blubbard (not to be confused with Hugh Blubbard, who is a genteel fellow). It looked something like newsprint, and actually seemed to have text growing on it, in a monospace Courier typeface, and more letters appeared everyday during the growing season, until it read several full-length articles, which almost made sense. This became known as the “Squash that Made the News,” and some of the staff (especially the rhinoceros) believed it to be an addendum sent from the previously-deported aliens. Therefore, it was incorporated into the translated text just before the publication deadline, which made The First Edition of The Flying News a real hit with gardeners and tight-rope walkers.
Recently, the rhinoceros stated:
While The Flying News does not necessarily have a beginning or an end, it does have a middle. And you are in the middle.
but if it weren’t for page 15…
The Very Last Page
This sentence is here just for the heck of it.
Ok, you can stop reading now.
Really, you can stop reading. It’s over.