The Society for a Fat America

Nude Flights Save Weight, Fuel

Antarctica Air announced that, beginning April 8th, all passengers will be required to fly nude. Lewis Day, Vice President for Finance, explains that this policy will decrease fuel use, increase airline profits, and allow the airline to sell tickets at significantly lower cost: Every year, we spend millions of dollars buying tens of millions of […]

New Lower Calorie Food

With the current focus on waistline management strategies, Ultimate Universal Technology Corporation (UUTC) has introduced a new line of low and no calorie foods called Minimal Natural™. Their first two products include a drink called Pura™, a ‘soda’ featuring only two ingredients, water and carbon dioxide, and a snack bar called Néant™, which has no […]

600 Pound Dog Banned from Multi-User Path

Irene Campbell is protesting a ban prohibiting dogs weighing more than 500 pounds on paved multi-user and bicycle paths. The ban was issued by the Walpole, Massachusetts department of Parks and Recreation. Erik L. Hernandez, spokesman for Parks and Recreation explains: Just as heavy trucks cause disproportionate wear of public roads and are prohibited in […]

Health and Beauty: Walrus Milk

A Walrus: , available at http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Noaa-walrus22.jpg#mediaviewer/File:Noaa-walrus22.jpg.

WALRUS MILK: New directions for an old drink: Walrus milk has long been a favorite drink of baby walruses, but only in recent months has this high-fat drink exploded into widespread popularity as a nutritional supplement. With a fat content as high as 30%, walrus milk, proponents claim, helps prevent dried out and flaky skin […]

New Bed Sizes

The International Society for Democracy in the English Language (ISDIEL) recently called for mattress and bed frame makers to abandon the old sizing based on monarchical and aristocratic traditions. Instead of ‘King’, ‘Queen’, ‘Full’, and ‘Single’ or ‘Twin’, ISDIEL proposes standard sizes called ‘1N’, ‘2S’, ‘3W’, and ‘4H’.1 “Not only is the American practice of […]

Nutrition Facts

In response to urgent inquiries from the FDA and the Board of Health, we are disclosing Nutritional Information for The Flying News.   Nutrition Facts Serving Size 1 liter (584·1013 ± 12·10-1232 kg·m/s2) Servings Per Container about 13.456 Amount Per Serving Calories 10,238     Calories from Fat -475 % Daily Value Total Fat 147kg/s3 .002% […]

The Society for a Fat America

Public domain image, "Die dick seyllerin," available at http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Die_dick_seyllerin.jpeg#mediaviewer/File:Die_dick_seyllerin.jpeg.

Many of the causes of obesity are accidental and unintentional. Manufacturers of Sweetsy-Sodsy™, Calo-Pops™, and Super-Sugary-Pastry™ don’t sit in their top-secret labs plotting to make you fat. They may or may not be culpable of negligence and lack of conscience, but they don’t particularly want to make you fat—as long as you buy their products […]

Vegetable Obesity

Careful observation shows that the plant pictured here is definitely suffering from morbid vegetable obesity.

Are your houseplants overweight? Obesity was once believed to be a problem primarily for the animal kingdom, but new research shows that vegetable obesity is becoming more and more of a problem. Super-sized plant life is especially abundant in suburban neighborhoods. One of the biggest problems for scientists working in this area has been coming […]

© 1915-2017, The Flying News. Not tested on animals. Frontier Theme