Obesity

New Lower Calorie Food

With the current focus on waistline management strategies, Ultimate Universal Technology Corporation (UUTC) has introduced a new line of low and no calorie foods called Minimal Natural™. Their first two products include a drink called Pura™, a ‘soda’ featuring only two ingredients, water and carbon dioxide, and a snack bar called Néant™, which has no […]

Obesity’s Global Impact

Increase in Body Mass Slows Earth’s Rotation Does winter seem longer and drearier this year? Does time lie heavy on your hands? In fact, heaviness is exactly the problem, says Gilbert M. Merrick, Dean of Temporal Research at Alaska’s Temporary Research Institute. The real cause of things slowing down is that all of us, or […]

600 Pound Dog Banned from Multi-User Path

Irene Campbell is protesting a ban prohibiting dogs weighing more than 500 pounds on paved multi-user and bicycle paths. The ban was issued by the Walpole, Massachusetts department of Parks and Recreation. Erik L. Hernandez, spokesman for Parks and Recreation explains: Just as heavy trucks cause disproportionate wear of public roads and are prohibited in […]

Lighter Air For Increased Efficiency

Content note: This article involves frank discussion of the molecular weights of different gasses and includes reference to professional bicycle racing. As anyone who has gone into a bicycle shop lately and tossed bicycles up into the air knows, much of what distinguishes a decent bicycle from an obscenely expensive bicycle is weight. For the […]

Eat As Much As You Want

The Chew Bag™ Maybe you like to eat, but are concerned about gaining too much weight, getting a hot dog stuck in your throat, or having your food decide to pinch you after it’s already in your stomach.1 Or maybe you don’t like to eat, but you like the taste of food. In either case, […]

New Bed Sizes

The International Society for Democracy in the English Language (ISDIEL) recently called for mattress and bed frame makers to abandon the old sizing based on monarchical and aristocratic traditions. Instead of ‘King’, ‘Queen’, ‘Full’, and ‘Single’ or ‘Twin’, ISDIEL proposes standard sizes called ‘1N’, ‘2S’, ‘3W’, and ‘4H’.1 “Not only is the American practice of […]

Nutrition Facts

In response to urgent inquiries from the FDA and the Board of Health, we are disclosing Nutritional Information for The Flying News.   Nutrition Facts Serving Size 1 liter (584·1013 ± 12·10-1232 kg·m/s2) Servings Per Container about 13.456 Amount Per Serving Calories 10,238     Calories from Fat -475 % Daily Value Total Fat 147kg/s3 .002% […]

Non-Surgical Digestive Bypass

Public domain image, "Die dick seyllerin," available at http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Die_dick_seyllerin.jpeg#mediaviewer/File:Die_dick_seyllerin.jpeg.

Breaking news on the obesity front: Gold Touch Nanotechnology™, LLC, has developed a new way to reduce weight gain. Their new digestive bypass avoids the need for surgery, dieting, and any kind of self-control. Instead nanotechnology creates a number of tiny pores leading from the stomach to the outside of the body. Food enters the […]

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