Medicine

Secret Cures for Secret Diseases

Pewter Pan Pancakes taste great with high-fructose corn syrup!

If you spend much time online, you surely know that there are simple and easy cures for everything from diabetes to internet addiction to the complete absence of a sense of humor. But did you know that there is a host of secret diseases equally in need of a cure?   The sad truth is […]

Signs of Life: Popular Places for Giving Birth

Once upon a time, it was standard practice for mothers to bear their children at home or in the local midwife’s hut (which often included a warm bath, for what nowadays we would refer to as a “Jacuzzi birth”). Supposedly, some European women even sought to give birth in a stable or cave where animals […]

Teen Grounded From Internet Hospitalized

When Robert Q. Dahlberg III grounded his son, Robert Q. Dahlberg IV, from using the internet for a week, he had no idea that he was putting Bobby IV’s life in danger. For three days, Bobby IV endured this punishment (not uncomplainingly). On the morning of the fourth day, however, he was found by his […]

Ten Things Your Doctor Won’t Tell You

Always on the lookout for a good story, when I visited the doctor last week I was thinking about all the things my doctor never told me. (This led me to seethe with anger—boy, he sure got a high reading on that blood pressure test.) Not this doctor, not the last doctor, not even my […]

Psychopodiatry

Here at the global headquarters of The Flying News, we have the privilege of interviewing world-renowned psychopodiatrist Ulrich Fussheiler. After eating nearly a box of chocolate-glazed doughnuts, Fussheiler has agreed to undergo an interview.   The Flying News: For the sake of those of our readers who don’t keep abreast of the latest developments in […]

MAA Defines Terminal Illness

In a formal proclamation yesterday, the Medical Association of America (MAA) officially announced a new definition of terminal illness. This new definition states that ‘Terminal illness’ shall be hereafter defined as any condition, state, or way of being which is certain to be followed by death after any definite or indefinite period of time. Tiffany […]

Bane in the Olitory?

A Narrative of Personal Occurences Good morrow, readers. While not the ordinary type of intelligence encountered here, you may be interested in a thing that passed me lately. Whilst looking for something esculent in my olitory one day last sennight, I found a few doughnuts that were a little over-ripe, that is, past their prime. […]

Parents Bill Teacher for Child’s Cavities

Ludington, Wisconsin: When Amy Whatley, aged six, came home from the dentist with fourteen cavities, her parents sent the bill to the kindergarten teacher, Ms. Holzman. Amy’s mother, Louisa Whatley, explained that: For a girl who has never in her life had even one cavity to come home all of a sudden with fourteen cavities? […]

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