Food

FDA Approves “Vegan Cows”

In a breakthrough of advanced biotechnology and cunning marketing, Amalgamated Universal Biotech Inc. (AUBI) announced that its Vegan Cow has now been approved by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA). AUBI claims that its new product, secretly developed in Hidden Underground Research Labs (HURL), is 100% plant based and suitable for vegan consumption. This news […]

A New Categorisation of Holidays

A philosopher from the Arctic Circle known as “Jonathan Tallyhoe” has begun a new line of research into the categorisation of cultural holidays and celebratory festivals. Mr. Tallyhoe, who does not hold any authentic PhD’s that we know of,1 claims he is the first to enter into such territory, while following “a time-tested Aristotelian method.” […]

Fine Beers and Craft Wines

Have you ever wondered why there are no craft wines? Why wines can be fine, but only beer is ever craft. The impression this terminology produces is that brewers are master craftsmen, subtle geniuses bulging with wizardly skill and arcane expertise. Winemakers, or vintners, on the other hand, are just not. That’s not to say […]

Bean Soup: An Adventure in Cooking

Not so very long ago . . . I was hungry. Very hungry. So hungry that I thought I had better make myself some bean soup. But then, I found myself faced with a difficult, although—as events proved—not insoluble, problem: I was out of beans. But, as luck would have it, I happened to recall […]

Introducing the Metric Dozen

10 eggs in a carton

Egg sellers around the world will soon be peddling their produce in metric. After centuries of following the misguided (albeit traditional) ‘twelvic’ system, in which eggs were sold by the ‘dozen’, they are finally falling in line with the rest of the modern world1, and will begin selling eggs by the Metric Dozen. Rather than […]

Puns & Butter: A Half-Act Play

Granola, orange juice, and squash. Part of a complete breakfast.

The scene: A breakfast table, finely set. Two unknown figures seated at either end. Both speak in King’s English. A: Please pass the puns. B: The what? A: The puns. The puns and butter. I’d like some puns and butter. B: Well, if that’s what you want. [B passes something to A, which looks rather […]

McDonald’s Introduces New Forever Cheeseburger

Just this morning, McDonald’s Grand International Director of Global-Marketing and Fast-Food Chemistry, Wendy B. K. LeRoy, announced an exciting and ingenious new product offering: the Forever Cheeseburger! This innovation, which follows in the wake of the Post Office’s popular Forever Stamps and the Treasury’s Forever Dollar, will, it is hoped1, increase sales of cheeseburgers and […]

Pie Making Comeback

Still Life with Pie, Silver Ewer and Crab by Willem Claeszoon Heda (1658).

While you can’t “have your cake and eat it too,” you can “have your piece of the pie” if you walk into almost any bakery or grocery. In fact, pie is making a comeback, as many people now see cake as a thing of the past, a boring, leftover, stale remnant of the latter half […]

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