Discrimination

New York Newspaper No Longer To Use Four Letter Words

In a landmark blow for linguistic and orthographic equality, a famous New York newspaper has made the decision to eliminate all words of four letters. “For a long time now,” says director of publicity and propaganda Bob Brzezinszki, “we have illegitimately discriminated against a small group of four letter words, to the point of excluding […]

Square Files Protest With International Steak Naming Association

The square has officially filed a protest with the International Steak Naming Association (ISNA), calling the fact that there is no square steak a “grave injustice.” Rumors allege that the square initially attempted to convince the pentagon to join it in protesting. The pentagon, reportedly, was content with “enjoying exalted status in the worlds of […]

USBSM Introduces Larger Inches to Match Expanding Waistlines

The ‘inflation’ of women’s dress sizes is old news.1 However, until recently, men have had to suffer the indignity of seeing their pants size increase, even as their wives’ dress size has decreased. The United States Bureau of Sizes and Measurements (USBSM) has—finally—made a move to address this distressing situation. Since men’s clothes are measured […]

Transgendered Marijuana

Gender Equality for Weed Your typical plant has two sexes (male and female), and marijuana, Cannabis sativa,1 is no exception. For most plants, this simple biological fact isn’t a big deal, but it just so happens that in the case of marijuana, there is a definite prejudice in favor of the female sex. The explanation […]

MAA Defines Terminal Illness

In a formal proclamation yesterday, the Medical Association of America (MAA) officially announced a new definition of terminal illness. This new definition states that ‘Terminal illness’ shall be hereafter defined as any condition, state, or way of being which is certain to be followed by death after any definite or indefinite period of time. Tiffany […]

Hi-Viz Black

It used to be that bright colors really got you noticed. Fire engine were painted the imaginatively named fire engine red so that they’d stand out among the mob of black model-T Fords, and red haired girls stood out amid the blondes and brunettes. These days, however, fire engines look muted and tasteful—you hardly even […]

Eat This—Not That

Eat This—Not That You may have noticed that quite a few books have been published lately about what to eat. Examples include Eat This, Not That, The Omnivore’s Dilemma, and My Very First Book of Food. These sorts of publications make it evident even to the untrained eye that there is a very great need […]

Domestic Terrorists Target Un-American Food

"Misawa takoyaki," U.S. Air Force photo by Staff Sgt. Marie Brown. Public domain via Wikimedia Commons. Detail.

What Makes a Food Truly American? This is the question that eaters, restaurant owners, and food producers are asking themselves in the wake of another regrettable example of American extremism. A terrorist group identifying itself as True American Eaters recently claimed responsibility for a series of attacks on eateries and other food-related businesses deemed ‘Un-American’. […]

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