Alien

Last Minute Christmas Shopping

Polls indicate that, if you are a typical American, Englishman, Australian, German, Peruvian, Bolivian, or Martian, there is a 92.4% chance that you have not yet finished your Christmas shopping. Well, The Flying News is, as always, here to help. We have prepared a superb list of last minute Christmas presents to help you avert […]

Conversation Hearts Factory Infiltrated by Aliens

Conversation hearts showing one in alien language.

Ryan Rocifero has been studying conversation hearts ever since Valentine’s Day, searching for evidence of intelligent life. At last, after two months, two days, four hours, thirty-seven minutes, and twenty seconds (give or take a few), he found the one shown at lower right in this photograph, which suggests that, not only is there intelligent […]

International Overpopulation Union Puts the “International” Back Into “Overpopulation”

The non-profit organisation International Overpopulation Union (IOU) recently launched a new initiative to fight overpopulation by seeking suicide volunteers in First-World nations and matching them with sponsored persons from China, India, and other developing countries who desire to take their places. To avoid the red tape and bureaucracy associated with immigration law, IOU has patented […]

IPPA Proposes Largest Ever LCD Screen

Are you concerned about alien invasion? Probably not, but the International Planetary Protection Association (IPPA) is. Very concerned. So concerned, in fact, that they have proposed the construction of the largest ever LCD screen. Large enough, in fact, to cover the entire planet. When we first heard about this, we wondered what this project had […]

Spicy Food

Not so very long ago, I was wandering about at random with my children, when we happened upon a small market (or equivalent) selling a wide variety of spicy sauces, spicy condiments, spicy salsas, and, as far as I could tell, not much else. In a boldly calculated move to entice customers, the retail establishment […]

New Institutes Discover New Dots

At some time during 2014, the Institute for Pale Blue Dots was founded at Cornell University.1 The troubling vagueness of this statement, the impossibility of locating the founding of the Institute to any time more precise than the year 2014, immediately suggests that something odd is going on. More unusual still, we have a definite […]

Lines in Praise of Tommy Atkins

Success to Tommy Atkins, he’s a very brave man, And to deny it there’s few people can; And to face his foreign foes he’s never afraid, Therefore he’s not a beggar, as Rudyard Kipling has said. No, he’s paid by our Government, and is worthy of his hire; And from our shores in time of […]

Lighter Air For Increased Efficiency

Content note: This article involves frank discussion of the molecular weights of different gasses and includes reference to professional bicycle racing. As anyone who has gone into a bicycle shop lately and tossed bicycles up into the air knows, much of what distinguishes a decent bicycle from an obscenely expensive bicycle is weight. For the […]

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