My Toes Are So Cold

Not many days ago, I woke in the morning and said to myself: “My toes feel rather cold today.” As I found the sensation somewhat—not excruciatingly, only somewhat—disagreeable, I began to look for a remedy for my discomfort. First I sought for knowledge. Knowledge (as someone once whispered in my ear) is power, after all, […]

7 Myths About Bakers – A Flying News Exclusive!

A white triplane flying in a rarely seen reddish-blue cloud formation.

Rhetorical question #1. Do you like baked goods? Rhetorical question #2. Do you like bakeries? Rhetorical question #3. Do you wear a baker’s hat while you ride your bike in the rain? If you answered “yes” or “no” to any of the above questions, you should read this article. While bakeries are usually good places […]

The Physics of Cutting with Scissors

Long celebrated for its savoir faire, its insouciant elegance, and its bloody habit of guillotining aristocrats, Paris, France is also the undisputed world leader in scissors research. Since its founding more than two-hundred years ago, scientists at the Institut National de Recherche en Ciseaux have made an impressive number of discoveries about the physics, sociology, […]

Slow Boot Time of “Smart Bullets” Leads to Increased Bayonet Use

T93 Sniper Rifle, © SP Lee, used with permission. http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:T93_sniper_rifle.jpg. This picture is not of a "smart" weapon, but you can imagine that it might be.

The introduction of the “smart bullet” a few years back was intended to allow soldiers to kill enemies with greater precision. Confidential sources report that the “smart bullet 3.14” is due to enter service later this year. This redesigned, next-generation weapon will increase accuracy to the extent that the army will be able to completely […]

Is Your Butter Cultured?

There are so many choices for every item in the grocery “superstore” nowadays that you never know what you will come home with. The other day, after getting lost in the supermarket and eventually waking up strewn out on the sidewalk in front of my house/apartment/tent/cave/dwelling, I found a package labelled “Cultured Butter” in my […]

Article Man Rescues Children From Wayward Tongues

Superhero with a scarlet letter A on his chest.

Growing concern among teachers, policemen, and the elderly about fallacious speech habits has spawned a new kind of superhero: Article Man. With a superhero figure, rippling muscles, and sparkling white teeth, Article Man’s mission is to “save these darn children from their own bad language.” But in this case it, isn’t four-letter words he’s concerned […]

New York Newspaper No Longer To Use Four Letter Words

In a landmark blow for linguistic and orthographic equality, a famous New York newspaper has made the decision to eliminate all words of four letters. “For a long time now,” says director of publicity and propaganda Bob Brzezinszki, “we have illegitimately discriminated against a small group of four letter words, to the point of excluding […]

High School Reunion Brings Back Tension, Bad Memories

Flyer for high school reunion

At Low Point High School, in southern Ithaca, New York, some members of the class of 1996 have mixed feelings about attending their 21-year high school reunion, which took place last Saturday. It seems that not all of the former students have wonderful memories of their high school years. In fact, several of them expressed […]

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