Search Results for – "horoscope"

Horoscopes for the Bactrian

A white triplane flying in a rarely seen reddish-blue cloud formation.

Aries: Your life blows by like the wind in a hurricane. But don’t worry, eventually it will end. Taurus: Ride around on your bike, fall down, scrape an elbow, get back up, repeat. Gemini: Sometimes you just don’t know if your life is worth living. And then you read your horoscope, and you realise, everything’s […]

Horoscopes for the Superstitious

Two awards are better than one!

Aries: You will receive an unwelcome visitor, most likely arriving by air. Taurus: In the dead of night, if you’re not asleep, you should be. Gemini: Your future is entirely unpredictable. Cancer: Yes, still sick. Try radiation. Lego: Traumatic brain injury foils your plans for afternoon tea. But there’s always tomorrow. Virgo: To save money […]

Horoscopes for the Improper

A white triplane flying in a rarely seen reddish-blue cloud formation.

Aries: If you read your horoscope today, it won’t come true. Taurus: If you read Aries’ horoscope today, it won’t come true. Gemini: You’d rather be building a spacecraft. Cancer: Start working on your bucket list. Leo: Oel. Virgo: River deep, mountain high. Libra: Tip the scales, see what happens. Scrappy-o: A bit of a […]

Horoscopes for the Unemployed

A white triplane flying in a rarely seen reddish-blue cloud formation.

Aries: πr2 Taurus: Ford, 2001, a little rickety, but still drives. Gemini: Everything looks a little greenish to you. Then you realise it’s the emerald you’re wearing like a monocle. Cancer: Chronic illness, cause uncertain, might well kill ya. Leo: Remember the bloke with the blue bandana? He’s still out to get you. Virgo: Hopeless. […]

What To Do When Your Check Engine Light Comes On

Typical results of aggresive driving.

You’ve had the experience. You’re driving down the highway in your nine-and-a-half-year-old Ferrari, at about mach 3 speed, wind blowing in your hair even though the windows are up, and you see a cute little engine icon pop up on the dash board. Your first thought might be, “Oh, an Easter egg! The manufacturer’s letting […]

Last Minute Christmas Shopping

Polls indicate that, if you are a typical American, Englishman, Australian, German, Peruvian, Bolivian, or Martian, there is a 92.4% chance that you have not yet finished your Christmas shopping. Well, The Flying News is, as always, here to help. We have prepared a superb list of last minute Christmas presents to help you avert […]

Things to Do When You’re Bored

If you’re like most people, you occasionally get “bored.” We at The Flying News never experience boredom, because we work for 12 to 16 hours a day, then go home and work some more, and then spend entire weekends on fascinating hobbies. Occasionally we manage to get some sleep, but most of the time—well, it’s […]

Twentieth-Anniversary Edition

        The Flying News 20th Anniversary Edition OUR BEST ISSUE YET!!! “For the Edification of the Planet!”         page 0   [TheChamp-Counter]     Table o’ Contents     Cover Page Page 0 Table o’ Contents Page 1 Introduction Page 2 Quiz Page 3 A Word From Our Sponsors […]

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