Letters to the Editors

The trees knees

Dear Vim Vocifero,
I read your article on Vegan Cows, and I’d like to purchase one. Do you know where to get them?

Sincerely,
Janet

Dear Janet (if that’s your real name),
Unfortunately, I don’t think the cows are for sale to individuals. Usually, these sort of companies license their bio-products to large-scale farms that make tons of money. However, they might let you milk one for a fee. The phone number for Amalgamated Universal Biotech Inc. is 1-800-555-AUBI.

Signed,
Vim Vocifero


Dear Jim Jocifero,
Should I take up a new hobby? I already have twelve, and barely find time for six of them.

Inferiorly,
Hobby Bobby

Dear Hobby Bobby (if that’s your real name),
Hobbies are great, but too much of a good thing can sometimes mean trouble. So, yes, go ahead and take up a new one. Have you considered model railroading?

Signed,
Jim Jocifero


Dear The Flying News,
I’ve been reading your horoscopes lately, and I’m getting quite confused. I’m a Capricorn, and one day it said I was an idiot, another day it said I can finally say my ABC’s. Well, today I ran into an old friend, who is also a Capricorn, and much smarter than me. How can this be? Our horoscopes are the same, yet they don’t seem to be true for him.

Helplessly,
Capricorn

Dear Capricorn (if that’s your real name),
Our horoscopes are finely crafted for the individual reader. It takes years of study under the stars to be able to properly read someone’s life based purely on their date of birth, but there are still fine nuances to read into each person’s aura. Therefore, even if you are both reading The Flying News Horoscopes, his may be different from yours, and you may never see exactly the same one, even though you think you are reading the same exact webpage. Moreover, your friend may also be reading the fortune cookies from Chinese takeout, which are equally valid and also deeply personal. Therefore, you will never understand, and you might as well not try.

Signed,
The friendly staff at The Flying News


Dear The Flying News,
Last night I left my refrigerator open, and now my whole apartment is cold. What should I do?

Thankfully yours,
Cold in California

Dear Cold in California (if that’s your real name),
Shut the refrigerator door. Go outside and play for a few hours. When you get back home, it should feel normal again.

Signed,
The Flying News


To submit your own question, use the form here.

And don’t forget about the Horoscope Contest. Deadline is 15 April.


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