FDA Approves “Vegan Cows”

In a breakthrough of advanced biotechnology and cunning marketing, Amalgamated Universal Biotech Inc. (AUBI) announced that its Vegan Cow has now been approved by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA). AUBI claims that its new product, secretly developed in Hidden Underground Research Labs (HURL), is 100% plant based and suitable for vegan consumption.

This news has met with mixed reactions. Vladimir Vadimov, editor of The Vernal Vegan, wrote a glowing1 editorial, in which he stated:

While all vegans, by definition, take the moral high ground and utterly eschew the cruel and despicable practices of the meat-eater, many of us grew up in a barbaric and entirely unenlightened state as carnivores, and we still—except, of course, for the moral revulsion which we would experience—like the taste of beef. You might even say we kind of crave it. And it’s not only the taste of beef that we miss; even the sight of one of these vegan cows grazing in the field will be refreshing and peaceful.

However, not all appraisals of this new phenomenon have been so appreciative. Victoria Valenti of The Valid Vegan has this to say:

Vegan Cows? That’s like a vegan carnivore. I am so outraged that I am speechless. I’m not even sure what it means to say that these cows are plant-based—aren’t all cows plant-based?

At The Flying News, we have yet to encounter any of these vegetable beasts. When we do, we’ll see if they sound like cows.
 


Note from Jim Jocifero:

If you see one of these beasts, consider adorning it with a bumper sticker won in our horoscope contest.


Illustration “Vegan Cows” based on detail of “Brahma Gives Cows a Boon,” by Ramanarayanadatta astri https://archive.org/details/mahabharata06ramauoft. Public domain via Wikimedia Commons. Altered by The Flying News

  1. It was printed in glow-in-the-dark ink.

2 Comments

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  1. Carny says:

    I’d like to know how much they weigh. All the vegans I’ve ever known weighed about half as much as the average adult, no matter how much tofu they ate. I bet it takes 3 of these cows to make the same number of hamburgers as one American cow. I wouldn’t eat the stuff. I mean, sheesh, what’s wrong with people?

    1. I’d just like that say that your comment is rather insensitive. However, I completely agree.

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