Horoscopes – and a Contest!
Do you like free fortune tellings? Do you like free bumper stickers? If you answered YES to these and other questions, then, boy, have we got a deal for you!
To celebrate the almost-anniversary of our twenty-somethingth anniversary, we are prepared to give away three (that’s 3!) free bumper stickers! All you have to do is submit a horoscope for a future FLYING NEWS post, and we’ll enter your name into a drawing to receive a free Flying News bumper sticker! And even if you don’t win the bumper sticker, we’ll post your horoscope for all the world to see!* What could be better?
*(All reasonably clever horoscopes will be posted, at our discretion, but the 3 winners will be drawn at random by our staff or an innocent passerby.)
You may enter one or several horoscopes, as many as you like. (For example, a horoscope for Aries = 1. Aries and Taurus = 2.) If you compose a related series, all the better. But each person can only win one bumper sticker.
You need not use one of the official astrological signs. You may change the name for effect, or just because you feel like it. We may also change the name for publication, if appropriate.
Horoscope(s) should be funny/clever/weird/absurd, according to Proper Flying News Style.
Please refrain from excessive vulgarity. We have to maintain our standards of high-brow humour, otherwise the censors will kick in.
Horoscopes need not come true.
Extra-terrestrials may submit horoscopes, but may not win a prize, due to shipping costs.
We will naturally need your real email address and real name, and your mailing address if you win. However, we do not plan to save or use your personal information after mailing your prize, so don’t worry about us putting you on any marketing lists. The marketers aren’t dumb enough to pay us for information anyway.
Ok, you get the point.
And yes, there is a deadline! The deadline is:
The Ides of April (15 April), 2018
Now, in case you are a little rusty with your astrological grammar, here are today’s Official Flying News Horoscopes, which you may view as exemplars.
Aries: Not fit to print.
Taurus: N . . . o . . . t . . . . . . p . . . r . . . i . . . n . . . t . . . . . . t . . . o . . . . . . f . . . i . . . t . . .
Gemini: Let it be known, from now and henceforth forward, and evermore, that even if you think you are, you probably are not.
Cancer: Ok, but how long do I have to live?
Leo: Just ask Jeeves.
Virgo: Constant nagging. Just give it up already.
Liver: You taste like organ meat.
Scorpio: If you were someone else, you might be rich and famous by now.
Sagittarius: After a long battle with the alarm clock, you can finally get some sleep.
Capricorn: You read a lot of horoscopes, don’t you?
Aquarius: Your future isn’t as bleak as you think, but it also isn’t very long.
Pisces: You will meet the love of your life. Unless you’ve already met him/her. But either way, there’s love in your future. Honest.
Rice: Simmer 20 minutes or until desired tenderness. Serve hot.
If today is someone else’s birthday: Buy him a present.
If today is no one else’s birthday: Buy him a present.
Beware the Ides of April!