On Buying a Motor Vehicle

Recently,1 I’ve been considering buying a motor vehicle. This makes me quite an expert on motor vehicle purchases—or maybe it just makes me an expert on considering buying a vehicle. Anyway, whether my expertise is a purchasing expertise, or merely a consideration expertise, I’ve managed to break the process of purchasing, or at least of purchasing consideration, into a few easy steps, as follows:

  1. Decide that a brand new vehicle would be really nice to have.
  2. Think about what kind of vehicle you want to buy.
  3. Make a list.
  4. Figure out how much each vehicle on your list costs.
  5. Cross off the vehicles that cost too much.
  6. Realize that there no vehicles left on your list.
  7. Decide to save some money with a used vehicle.
  8. Repeat steps 3 through 6.
  9. Give up in despair.
  10. Decide that you still need a vehicle.
  11. Consider a moped or electric bicycle.
  12. Repeat step 1.
  13. Repeat steps 3 through 6.
  14. Repeat step 7.
  15. Repeat steps 3 through 6.
  16. Repeat step 9.
  17. Decide to buy a plain-old-pedal-powered-bicycle.
  18. Repeat steps 12 through 15.
  19. Decide to buy a new pair of walking shoes.
  20. Repeat steps 12 through 15.

At any rate, this is the process I followed. I’ve decided to just stay in bed and forget all that business of transportation. This may cause problems when I run out of doughnuts, however.

Note from Jim Jocifero:

If the reader succeeds in obtaining a new vehicle, it would look smashing with a bumper sticker won in our horoscope contest. If not, well, it might look good on a pair of walking shoes, too.

  1. For the purposes of this article, “recently” is defined (following the Modern Dictionary of Contemporary Recentness) as “after work for the last few days.”

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