Taurus: Ford, 2001, a little rickety, but still drives.
Gemini: Everything looks a little greenish to you. Then you realise it’s the emerald you’re wearing like a monocle.
Cancer: Chronic illness, cause uncertain, might well kill ya.
Leo: Remember the bloke with the blue bandana? He’s still out to get you.
Virgo: Hopeless. Just hopeless.
Libra: You feel like you’re flying. Then you look down, and realise you are.
Scorpio: You really sting.
Sagittarius: When you look out the window, you will see the same thing you saw the last time you looked out the window, only . . . different.
Candycorn: Your sweet tooth will catch up to you at your next dental appointment.
Aquarius: Ask directions from the first person you see. Then shout at the top of your lungs, “I’ve found my soul mate!”
Pisces: After breakfast, you may feel slightly faint. Don’t worry. Drink your tea, then eat your lunch immediately. If you don’t feel any better, eat your dinner. Then call in sick and go back to bed.
If today is your birthday: Read these horoscopes again tomorrow.
If today is not your birthday: Read these horoscopes again on your birthday.