Aries: You will receive an unwelcome visitor, most likely arriving by air.
Taurus: In the dead of night, if you’re not asleep, you should be.
Gemini: Your future is entirely unpredictable.
Cancer: Yes, still sick. Try radiation.
Lego: Traumatic brain injury foils your plans for afternoon tea. But there’s always tomorrow.
Virgo: To save money on electricity, stop replacing those broken light bulbs.
Libra: Plant a tree today. If it dies, so will you. If it lives, you’ll still die.
Scorpio: Orthodoxy is your middle name. And, boy, what a middle name.
Flagittarius: Super cala something or other.
Capricorn: After twelve long years, you can finally say your ABC’s.
Aquarius: Just when you think you’ve got it, it will get away.
Pisces: Eating fish may not be the answer.
If today is your birthday: Have your cake and eat it too.
If your birthday is today: You probably think you’re special. Woo-hoo.