Aries: If you read your horoscope today, it won’t come true.
Taurus: If you read Aries’ horoscope today, it won’t come true.
Gemini: You’d rather be building a spacecraft.
Cancer: Start working on your bucket list.
Virgo: River deep, mountain high.
Libra: Tip the scales, see what happens.
Scrappy-o: A bit of a mess in both your work and personal life. Start cleaning.
Sagittarius: Before long, you’ll be wondering what time it is.
Capricorn: Some days you feel like . . . an idiot. And today, you are right.
Aquarius: Don’t worry if your mother doesn’t call. She probably just forgot about you.
Pisces: Answer the door when it knocks. Then get out of the house—it’s haunted.
If today is your birthday: Weight gain imminent.