Slow Boot Time of “Smart Bullets” Leads to Increased Bayonet Use

T93 Sniper Rifle, © SP Lee, used with permission. http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:T93_sniper_rifle.jpg. This picture is not of a "smart" weapon, but you can imagine that it might be.

The introduction of the “smart bullet” a few years back was intended to allow soldiers to kill enemies with greater precision. Confidential sources report that the “smart bullet 3.14” is due to enter service later this year. This redesigned, next-generation weapon will increase accuracy to the extent that the army will be able to completely do away with vision tests for new recruits. In fact, three snipers currently active in an undisclosed location are completely blind. These snipers join the quadriplegic mechanized fighting unit (also known as the wheelchair warriors) as part of the army’s Physically Disabled Force for Special Attacking Maneuvers (PDFSAM). According to Nine-Star General Dennis Fuhrmann, “our special units of disabled soldiers have achieved a well-deserved reputation for near-perfect tactical precision and super-human calmness under enemy fire.”

However, early field tests have revealed an unfortunate side-effect of the new “smart-weaponry”: the increased use of bayonets. This increased bayonet use is due to the weapons’ relatively long boot time.

Preliminary tests of the army’s new “smart bayonet” have also begun. However, soldiers seem resistant to using this new weapon. Two-Star Private John Johnson voiced an opinion common to many soldiers when he said: “I want my weapons to just work, without having to be turned on. It’s bad enough when software malfunctions burn our dinner. No way am I carrying a high-tech bayonet.”


Photo: “T93 Sniper Rifle,” © SP Lee, used with permission.


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