Rhetorical question #1. Do you like baked goods? Rhetorical question #2. Do you like bakeries? Rhetorical question #3. Do you wear a baker’s hat while you ride your bike in the rain? If you answered “yes” or “no” to any of the above questions, you should read this article.
While bakeries are usually good places to get baked goods, there are quite a few misconceptions and unfounded rumours held by otherwise intelligent1 people for one reason or another.2 I hope this article will clear some of these up for you.
Myth #1. Bakers sell by the “baker’s dozen.”
This myth sounds true on the face of it. And who wouldn’t like to get thirteen doughnuts when he only ordered twelve?3 It’s like getting 13 for the price of 12.4 But unfortunately, most bakers learned the definition of a dozen just like the rest of us, and they are pretty good at counting.5 Unless you visit one of those metric bakeries . . .
Myth #2. All bakers drive limousines.
You might think bakers are millionaires just rolling in the dough (so to speak), because they always seem to have their cake and eat it too. I mean, how many of us have enough free time to cook dessert all day long and even get paid for it? But actually, we have found most bakers to be quite down-to-earth, regular “folks,” to use the colloquial term. Not very rich at all, because in fact, while desserts are usually overpriced, selling them isn’t as lucrative as, say, robbing banks.
Myth #3. Bakers also sell gasoline.
I tested this one personally by telephoning the same bakery repeatedly and asking if I could order a litre of gasoline.6 The seventh time I phoned, they told me to “stop calling, and [they would] notify the police if [I] ever show[ed] my face on [their] premises.” Lucky for me, they don’t know what I look like.
Myth #4. Bakers never sleep because they’re vampires.
The truth is, only some bakers are vampires (they’re the ones that came up with the Jelly Doughnut). And even they need to sleep. It’s just that they sleep between the hours of 4:00 PM and midnight, so they can do all their baking in plenty of time for the morning rush. Not to mention that some of them enjoy howling at the moon.7
Myth #5. Bakers sometimes include poems in the parchment paper wrapped around the pastries.
This one came from an old play about a man with a big nose. Sadly, some people still look inside those papers every time they buy a pastry, and they’re always disappointed. But you can write your own poetry.
Myth #6. Gotta fill some space here. Um, bakers are big bad bullies, and they’re always named Bob.
I met a guy named Bob once. He was a kind, clever chap. Not a bully at all. And he wasn’t even a baker. If that doesn’t disprove this one, I don’t know what does.
Myth #7. Bakeries are good places to make friends.
Ok, this one is true. Buy someone a scone—instant friendship!
Well, I hope this article cleared up some of the rumours, lies, and slanders regarding our dear bakers of the world. Hopefully it made you a more enlightened bakery customer. And if it didn’t, well, I don’t really care. It’s not like you’re paying me anyway. Cheapskate.
Editor’s note: Jim Jocifero would like to apologi(s)e to all readers for that last line.