Puns & Butter: A Half-Act Play

Granola, orange juice, and squash. Part of a complete breakfast.

The scene: A breakfast table, finely set. Two unknown figures seated at either end. Both speak in King’s English.

A: Please pass the puns.
B: The what?
A: The puns. The puns and butter. I’d like some puns and butter.
B: Well, if that’s what you want.
[B passes something to A, which looks rather lumpy.]

A: Now, I need something for my poodles.
B: Your what?
A: My poodles. Some sauce, I’d say, for my poodles.

[B passes something else to A, which looks somewhat less lumpy.]

A: By the way, I seem to be missing my pork. I guess I’ll have to use the spoon.
[B says nothing.]
A: My pair is a little wobbly, too. Must have a short peg. But I don’t mind. The thing that bothers me is, someone keeps moving it.

A: Oh, could I have a spot of pea?
B: Er…
A: With sugar.
B: It’ll have to peep—I mean steep!—for a few minutes. Look what you’ve got me saying!

A: Are there any poppings for the toast? Perhaps some pam or parmelade?
B: “Poppings”?! No, there aren’t any “poppings”!!! Why don’t you speak English? I can’t say I’ve enjoyed your company, but I don’t think I’ll be staying for punch—LUNCH, I mean LUNCH!

A: [chewing deliciously] Mmm, these are excellent puns, if I may say so! Always have liked my puns with butter.


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