How The Economy Works

Brown jug with sign: If whiskey interferes with your business, give up your business.

We hear a great deal about The Economy in the news, on the radio, on television, on the primary school reading list, and even on candy bar wrappers. But not many people really understand The Economy or how it works. This article will give you the basics and, in fact, all you need to know about How The Economy Works.

Rule #1. The Economy of the entire world is controlled mainly by The President Of The United States Of America and, to a lesser extent, by politicians in charge of other countries.

Billboard reading "Look out, it's the President!"

A typical billboard explaining the role of the President of the USA in the world economy.

Rule #2. When The Economy is poor, it is your duty to improve it by voting for a new President Of The United States Of America and by spending more money. The rule of thumb is to buy a new house, a new car, a new television, a new swimming pool, and plenty of new pet toys (even if you don’t have a pet).

A billboard reading "The Economy needs help, please spend more money!"

A typical billboard when The Economy is bad.

Rule #3. When The Economy is good, everyone is spending lots of money, doing all kinds of projects, getting new jobs, etc. This means you should also be spending lots of money. Whatever money you save from taxation should be immediately put to use by buying a new computer, television, and car. Throw the perfectly good old ones in the rubbish bin.

A billboard reading "The Economy is better now, you can spend lots of money again!"

A typical billboard when The Economy is good.

Rule #4. When The Economy suffers, you will lose your job, your house, your car, your wife, your pets, the tools you borrowed from your brother-in-law, and the soles of your shoes. You will be dirt-poor and unable to live, let alone eat, sleep, or breathe. This has been proven beyond all doubt by The Great Depression.

A billboard reading "The Great Depression was REALLY depressing"

A typical billboard warning about economic depressions.

Which brings us to

Rule #5. When The Economy is good, it is your duty to vote for the President Of The United States, who controls The Economy, to keep it from going “south.” No one really knows why going south is so bad, because it’s actually much warmer down there.1

A billboard reading "Visit The South, it's warm down here!"

A typical billboard advertising The South.

And finally, here is a list of other things that automatically improve The Economy (in no particular order):

  • Traffic cameras that generate tickets automatically.
  • Home improvements.
  • Tobacco products and gasoline.
  • The weather.
  • Buying stocks from people who are richer than you.
  • New hairdos (especially if you’re The President Of The United States Of America).
A billboard reading "New hairdos from the £200's"

A typical billboard advertising new hairdos.

  1. Unless you mean Antarctica, but that’s another country.

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