How to Fatten Up for the Winter: A Flying News Exclusive

Winter is coming, and it’s coming fast.1 Are you ready? Very likely not. Studies reveal that as many as seven out of every nine Americans are not properly prepared for winter. However, we are here to help. In conjunction with The Society for a Fat America, The Flying News has prepared this handy self-help guide to fattening up for the winter.

  1. Make sure your dwelling is ready for winter. Fix structural instabilities with duct-tape, dried mud, or other similar repair materials. Stock your larder, being sure to include such essentials as doughnuts, pies, and, of course, lard.
  2. Insulate your home, castle, or den. Winter is cold, but if you line your habitation with a warm fuzzy material like wool, feathers, or fiberglass, it helps keep things snug.
  3. You should also work on enhancing your personal insulation. Make sure your winter coat, whether it consists of hair, fur, or feathers, is properly grown out and ready for the cold.
  4. Working on breathing slowly. This helps you relax and reduces energy use to help you make it through to spring.
  5. Store up fat. Eat foods like honey (a favorite of bears), Quiche (a favorite of Frenchmen), and doughnuts (a favourite of Jim Jocifero). Also make sure that you have some filling snacks on hand, in case you wake up part way through the winter.
  6. Then you can settle down for a nice, cozy, relaxing hibernation.

bear_hibernating


“Bałwanek,” by Piotr Frydecki. CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons;
“Hibernating Bear,” National Park Service. Public domain.

  1. We are aware that the preceding words show a certain similarity to the beginning of the late Russell Hoban’s Emmet Otter’s Jug Band Christmas, but believe that this similarity falls within fair use.

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