FLYING NEWS EMERGENCY NOTICE

TO ALL FLYING NEWS PERSONNEL, BOTH NECESSARY AND ANCILLARY (INCLUDING VIM):

This is an emergency.

All Personnel report to the front office immediately.1 Don’t Panic! Run, do not walk. Wear slip-resistant shoes. Remove all jewellery and loose clothing. Deposit jewellery with the burglar at the second floor fire escape. Proceed with caution to the third floor. Circle back and retrace steps. Deposit wallets with the aforementioned burglar. Do not go back for personal belongings, hats, pets, tax/identification papers, paper airplanes, other paper products, seconds or refills. You may go back for doughnuts. Activate fire alarm unless no one else has activated it before you. Defenestrate yourself and proceed to the front office through the main entrance. Don’t Panic. Await further instructions.


“Finnish Emergency Exit Sign,” by Santeri Viinamäki. CC BY 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons. Modified.

  1. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

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