FBI Recommends Doughnuts for Breakfast

In yet another interesting move by a more or less self-regulated department of American government, the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) issued its Official Breakfast Recommendation (OBR) last Sunday, when they ought to have been home for the weekend. The OBR states that, “in order to keep Americans Fat, Dumb, and Happy (FD&H)”, the FBI recommends that “all citizens of the United States of America (USA) should eat Doughnuts for Breakfast (DfB).”

The main substance of the recommendation is that, while doughnuts are not very healthy, they “sure do taste good, and they go well with coffee, which Americans love to drink.” In response to the old adage that “an apple a day keeps the doctor away,” the OBR replies that, not only has this proven false for many people who do eat apples every day, many doctors eat doughnuts themselves. Doughnuts may also be linked to lower levels of second-hand smoke, according to a study referenced in the OBR’s bibliography, “Doughnuts Linked to Lower Levels of Second Hand Smoke.” This study is quoted as saying, in typical psycho-scientific jargon, “If you eat a doughnut instead of smoking, you’re less likely to inhale the smoke; but if you eat a cigarette while it’s on fire, you’ll probably die pretty fast.”

While some hail the new OBR as a long-awaited break from the diet-obsessed culture of the American Health Industry (AHI), which has never shown much success in making Americans either healthier or Thin, Smart, and Attactive (TS&A), others decry the FBI’s statement as an over-extension of its power and Intrusion Into American’s Personal Lives (IIAPL), as it has done ever since it started fingerprinting Everyone And Their Mother (EATM).

Some also criticised the FBI’s Overuse of Acronyms (OOA), to which the FBI roundly responded that the use of acronyms is Required For All Government Agencies (RFAGA), and only the Congress of the United States (COTUS) (or the Supreme Court (SCOTUS)) has the power to Defund the Use of Acronyms (DtUoA). “Besides,” stated FBI director James B. Comey (JBC), “if it weren’t for acronyms, we wouldn’t have LASERs, SONAR, RADAR, TV, REM, or the FBI itself. I love acronyms. lol, gtg, bff!”

The Food & Drug (mostly drug) Administration (FDA) joined critics of the OBR and countered that, while cereal used to be considered a healthy breakfast, it has turned into a Moneymaking Convenience Food (MCF), and doughnuts are pretty much the same thing—just without the milk.1 The current recommendation by the FDA is to eat 6 to 8 servings of multivitamins for breakfast, or about 33% of your daily value of all nutrients, based on a 2016-calorie diet.

Siding with the FBI, The Society for a Fat America (SFA) has once again stated that the FDA’s recommendations “stink.” Moreover, the Doughnut Association of America (DAA) claims that doughnuts are indeed a health food, and the fat and sugar are added only insofar as it is necessary to make a food delectable so that people will eat it in the first place. They are, therefore, “part of a nutritious breakfast.” The FBI’s OBR recommends 6 to 8 servings of doughnuts for breakfast, with a supersize2 coffee.


“J edgar hoover bldg,” by Kmf164. CC BY-SA 2.5 via Wikimedia Commons.

  1. Doughtnuts Of America (DOA) noted that many doughnuts recipes do contain milk: it’s just hard to see once the doughnuts are cooked.
  2. “Supersize” is an American term for a portion that would satisfy a whale, a large dinosaur, or a growing boy.

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