Things to do With Your Television

Note that this article does not constitute the giving of legal, moral, recreational, or any other sort of advice. Readers are strongly cautioned not to attempt any of the suggestions herein until they have left a significant bequest to The Flying News in their will and signed our legal release.

Have you ever wondered what to do with your television? Sure, you could sit there and stare at it, but is that really the highest use for a piece of equipment which, in our estimation, has such a significant quantity of potential? In our (correct) opinion, the answer to this question is most emphatically “NO”!

(We bet you thought that those questions were merely rhetorical.)

Thus, moved by the noble desire to enliven your dreary life with a bit of excitement (or at least interest), we offer the following suggestions to lead you to a more profound relationship with your television set:

    TV_Shows_We_Used_To_Watch_-_1955_Television_advertising_(4934882110)

  • Since the typical modern television offers a large flat surface, employing it as a table seems an obviously more satisfying use than simply staring at it.1
  • Much interest is added to your favorite television program if it is viewed through a thick layer of crayon. So invite your children to take out their crayons, chalk, markers, and oil paints and relieve the uninterrupted monotony of your television set. You’ll never look at it the same way again!
  • Take a bath with your television.
  • Use your television as a sled.
  • If you are a hunter, you can use your television for more realistic target practice. Tune in to one of ‘those’ channels which feature peaceful herds of large animals, then improve your aim using your weapon of choice.2

“Redd Foxx Demond Wilson Graham Jarvis Sanford and Son 1976,” by NBC Television. Public domain via Wikimedia Commons.
“TV Shows We Used To Watch-1955 Television advertising (4934882110),” by Paul Townsend from Bristol, UK. CC BY-SA 2.0 via Wikimedia Commons.

  1. It is, however, morally certain that your television contains substances known to the State of California© to cause cancer, birth-defects, boredom, and euphemistic dysphoria. If you follow any of the advice in this column, you will surely die.
  2. Note that The Flying News is not responsible for any injury—physical, mental, or spiritual—to yourself, your television, or your fish-tank.

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