United States Supreme Court Rules Driving Barefoot Unconstitutional

Ever since the United States of America began its rebellion from the Mother Country, new and unusual legal quandaries have popped up in every facet of their, the Americans’, so-called laws, which could have been solved easily by the Royal Authority putting the Royal Foot down.

A good example of this is the recent ruling by the so-called Supreme Court of the United States of America (SCOTUS)1. Yes, indeed: I refer to the case regarding Barefoot Driving, which took almost 9 months (36 weeks) to resolve. Despite the fact that there is no law in any of the so-called “states” regarding the propriety or necessity of driving barefoot, the Supreme Court has found it within its realm of legal tinkering, that is, its stone-cold heart of iron, to rule on the legality and constitutionality of the act.

Indeed, the court has decided that Driving Barefoot is “unconstitutional.” For those unfamiliar with American legal terms, this means that more than four-and-a-half out of nine people of weak constitution find it difficult to digest. Essentially, whatever the constitution of the Supreme Court is at any given time determines the law.

Also, since the Americans are relatively weak these days (having got over their rebellious state for a rather more comfortable, self-absorbed, entertained lifestyle,2) they find it difficult to question the rulings of the Supreme Court, even when the rulings themselves are unconstitutional. Therefore, rather than having a simple one-king system like the Mother Country, they essentially have a nine-king system, or a nine-headed king with a few appendages here and there, including an amalgam of several hundred legislative limbs of divers lengths and muscular build, and a presidential rear end. Plus, they’ve pretty much got rid of the guns, so it’s not as though the citizens can really fight for themselves as they did against the beloved King.

Anyway, as far as Driving Barefoot goes, well, it doesn’t go, because their judges say it doesn’t go. Or rather, it has to go. They’ve pretty well given it the boot, if I may use the expression.

Some people do express distaste for this new so-called “interpretation” of the law. One young woman, a college student at Whistley University in western Wisconsin, who likes to walk and drive around barefoot (even in the winter), said, “I find it disgusting that the Supreme Court finds my lifestyle disgusting.” A rather light-footed girl of about 19, she carried a pair of so-called “flip-flops” tied to her knapsack; she sort of skipped away to class quite briskly, so even though I tried to catch her, I never even caught her name.

Police, though, seem to be happy with the law. Sgt. Robert Bronston, an officer of the so-called “NYPD,” explained that he used to hate it when he pulled someone over for “speeding, reckless driving, or general hell-raising,” and noticed he (or, more usually, she) was driving “without a single shoe covering his (or, more usually, her) feet.” He added, “It’s rather repugnant that people drive around this way. Some of them even have painted toenails. And all I could give them was a speeding ticket. Now I just smile and give them a Driving Barefoot ticket, and charge them with Unconstitutional Behavior.”

So far, we haven’t found any men who drive barefoot. We did find an older woman at a stop-light in the city who was driving barefoot. When asked what exactly she likes about driving barefoot, she responded, “It’s the freedom. We Americans [I think she recognised my accent] believe in Freedom, and my feet need Freedom, too.” She wished to remain anonymous, after I explained that she had better watch out for the policeman on the corner, and those nine judges in Washington.

The Queen of England commented that “while Freedom remains a lovely value, Order reigns supreme,” and she suggested that “those young ladies driving barefoot might be sent to finishing school.” As for the older ladies? “Hopeless, I suppose.”


“ESI NeON 25-key USB Keyboard Controller with Audio IO: KEYBOARD-FEET
some FEET FOR ‘ME LOVE’; The ‘Me-Love-Feet-Big-Band.'” By Wbs 70 (Flickr: KEYBOARD-FEET) CC BY 2.0 via Wikimedia Commons. Detail (inverted).

  1. Doesn’t “SCOTUS” sound like an ugly toenail disease?
  2. Even if they are still in a state of rebellion against the Crown.
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